Would I Lie To You?

In one of his trademark offbeat observations on the BBC TV gameshow ‘Would I Lie To You?”, likeable funny man Bob Mortimer claimed the distant memories he was about to recount were like “Fingerprints on an abandoned handrail.”

This humorous, but idiosyncratic, observation describing how he only had vague memories of the absurd yarn he was about to relay sprung to mind this morning. The trigger to recollecting this statement a prompt of ‘fingerprint’ at a Zoom writing meeting.

I don’t intend to regurgitate more from the comedian, described by some as a national treasure. After all, I could never better, or even do justice, to the hilarious rantings of the man who initially rose to fame in Vic Reeves’ Big Night Out. But I would urge you to Google ‘Bob Mortimer Would I Lie to You’ to sample his many zany tales on the show. You won’t be disappointed.

Instead, I plan to relay a few tales from my past; my own vague fingerprints on an abandoned handrail if you like. Inviting you, my dear reader, to guess which tales have some basis in fact from the one’s completely made up.

As a disclaimer, the stories bearing a degree of truth may be heavily embellished to enhance the tales’ comedic value; or should I say to hopefully augment its whimsical value. So here goes; are these stories true, or are they false:-

1) True or False? – I once fell asleep in a wardrobe after a foolhardy prank backfired badly – The incident took place late one evening after I decided to hide in my wife’s clothes cupboard.

2) True or False? – As a 17-year-old cricketer, I was the first bowler in the Durham Senior League to bowl out an opposing batsman while undergoing an outer body experience.

3) True or False? – Included within my sporting memorabilia collection is the beard sported by Ian Botham during the legendary Headingly Ashes Test match in 1981.

4) True or False? – As young boys, to prove our underpants were clean on a morning, our mum insisted my brother Ian and I adorned them on the outside of our school trousers.

5) True or False? – At the age of 18, after foolhardily trying to impress girls in a Newcastle nightclub by talking in an Australian accent, I was invited to audition for the part of Mrs Mangle in the Aussie soap Neighbours.

6) True or False? – My estranged wife’s claim to fame was being taught by an English teacher who knew actress Judy Dench.

7) True or False? – I attended the same Gateshead school as legendary England footballer Paul ‘Gazza’ Gascoigne. I was also told by the same teacher (football coach Mr Hepworth) that I’d never make a professional footballer… I guess one out of two aint bad Mr H!

8) True or False? – As a child I stopped aspiring to become children’s TV star Emu after learning he was worked by having Rod Hull’s arm stuck up his bottom.

9) True or False? – I have never knowingly overpaid for a cheese grater.

10) True or False? – I once sent an idea to Channel 5 for a reality show called ‘Camper Man in a Campervan’. A warts and all documentary documenting celebrity Louis Spence’s exploits as he tours the UK in a motorhome.

So, there you have it, my own personal “Fingerprints on an abandoned handrail.” If you’re intrigued to know, the following questions do bear an element of truth in the enquiry:- One, Five, Six, Seven and Nine… So now you know!