Inane Garden Ramble

I’m writing my second blog of the day to fill in some time on this indubitably humid evening in East Leeds.

I’m sat in the back garden surveying the fruits of a profitable afternoon hedge trimming, grass cutting and building of a shrine to the man who started the ‘Mr Sock’ franchise.

Karen asked me earlier what is so special about the man who started the ‘Mr Sock’ franchise. After a nervous laugh and a pondering of her query, I realised there wasn’t a Mr Sock franchise!

So first thing tomorrow I’m going to knock the fucking thing down!…… I really need to much more research in the planning stage of a shrine build!

Karen was relieved to hear I’m getting rid of this eccentric tribute to a non existent sock company. She didn’t want this bloody great statue of a foot, which she claimed was a carbuncle on the aesthetic beauty of our hindmost flora and fauna.

I dispute that the statue I made out of papier-mache, real toe nails and guilded with gold leaf was as tacky as my missus claimed. However, I have to admit it didn’t enhance the cosmetic look dans ma jardin.

Maybe if there is a Mr Tie franchise I could replace the foot with a papier-mache statue of a neck. I’ll check that out!…… According to google, there is a Mr Tie, a Mrs Tie and a Mr Nice Tie!

I’m not often overwhelmed, apart from when I get takeaway fish and chips which, according to my son, causes me to behave like an excitable puppy. However, the thought of not just one, but three establishments with the express remit to improve neckwear globally sent me into a bit of a giddy!

I felt as though all my Christmases had come at once. A yuletide festival where each of the beautifully wrapped gifts were a cornucopia of neck attire fit for royalty; not to mention TV posh man Gyles Brandreth.

Now I’ve unearthed the three tie emporiums, I now have to persuade Karen to sanction a border located 6ft papier-mache statue of a neck. To my mind there couldn’t be a more fitting honour to this triumvirate of neckwear missionary’s. After all, these individuals aim to take a segment of the British clothing industry back to where they belong, into echelons of world leaders in their field.

They are men and woman of integrity, drive and a ‘can do’ attitude who will stand strong against all tie, scarf and cravat setbacks. They shall not be deterred by tough challenges, bureaucracy and the fact there isn’t a McDonalds restaurant in Montpelier, Vermont!

Although, after chatting with the missus, I think I might have to shelf that idea as well. Apparently, she doesn’t want a 6ft neck statue in the garden either. She feels it will be even tackier and more cosmetically displeasing than the 6ft foot ‘Mr Sock’ shrine.

After a long discussion about compromise and that we should both have input into projects to enhance our garden area, Karen agreed to the shrine idea of mine.

She wants it to be a personal tribute to me for all my hard graft, which I found highly flattering…… Or at least I did until I overheard a recent telephone conversation, during which she ordered a 6ft papier-mache statue of a hand giving an inappropriate gesture with two fingers!