The Fallibility of Science

Yesterday evening I caught an item on TV surrounding a new scientific theory claiming elder children are more intelligent than their younger siblings.

I don’t recollect the scientist’s name, although I’m pretty sure it wasn’t Arthur Treadmore if that helps…… Oh it doesn’t, I’ll move on then.

The eminent scientist (who wasn’t Arthur Treadmore) opined that first born children, due to receiving more attention in early life than their later born siblings, are more neurologically stimulated. Subsequently, he argues, this gives the eldest a greater capacity for learning.

As the eldest of three children, I’d mischievously like to believe the scientists findings have some basis. If I’m honest, though, I don’t care.

Even if I did, in my opinion it’s flawed research. My younger brother, sister and I all ‘bring things to the table’ without one being dominant intelligence wise or behaviourally.

Not that we compete against each other anyway, but If there was such a game as Strachan Sibling Top Trumps, the three of us would all reign victorious in one category or the other.

For example, the academic qualification section would be won fairly comfortably by my sister Helen. Her better grades at GCSE’s, A levels and university education, beats my GCE’s, HNC in Business Studies and tops our brother Ian’s BTEC in Procrastination from Gateshead Tech.

Musically, our Ian’s poetic song writing and guitar playing would overshadow Helen’s decent voice and just pip the fact I can whistle the Bulgarian national anthem.

Creativity wise, my fictional writing would probably usurp Ian’s melancholic poetry that accompanies his guitar riffs. Additionally, although Helen’s grammar is infinitely better than mine, I’d wager I possess a greater capacity for creative thinking than her……. Saying that, though, she’ll probably be grateful her mind doesn’t meander the same neurological avenues of inanity as her eldest brother.

When it comes to sport, Ian was the better all-round footballer and ferret noddler, whereas I was the more talented cricketer and kestrel noddler , with our Helen being the family rounders and netball talent…… She didn’t follow her brothers into noddling.

If you’re unsure of what the game of rounders entails, think baseball without hats and long socks…… If you’re not sure what baseball is, don’t dwell on it as it’s not that important to the later narrative…… If you’re unsure what hats and socks are, what are you doing reading this erudite piece of literary gold?!….. It’s way above your head!

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Who is the best cook out of my siblings and me? It’s a tough job separating our Ian and Helen in this category, as they are both good cooks who regularly experiment with recipes, with a view to freshen up their weekly family menus.

If pushed I’d have to give that accolade to our sister. However, she only topped this category because she’s never tried to cook an egg in a microwave like her youngest brother. Ian’s foolish decision of placing a single unpunctured egg into the appliance resulted in him blowing the door open, showering him with egg and shell.

To wrongly quote Michael Caine’s character in the 1960s movie The Italian Job, “You’re not supposed to blow the bloody door off!”

However, despite his rare culinary mishaps, Ian is a far better cook than his elder brother, who is far less adventurous with his recipes. However, in my defence I’d like to point out I’ve never done anything as f***ing stupid as trying to cook a solitary unpunctured egg in a microwave!

Behaviourally, our Helen has the best people skills and is most driven, Ian is possibly the most tolerant and the one most likely to turn up for work covered in egg. I’m the funniest and without doubt the most hirsute.

You may think me writing that I’m the funniest is incredibly arrogant. A vain glorious comment which, due to its subjectivity, is extremely difficult to accurately verify…… To that I’d say, you’re right, it is a very conceited comment…… But I think its true and I’m the oldest, so bollocks to what the other two think!

To close, I’d opine to the scientist (who isn’t Arthur Treadmore) that his theory about the intellectual superiority of the oldest child needs further research….. If you dispute my theory read my blogs, which my siblings would never deign to pen or publish!

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