Today’s writing companions are the sight and sound of chefs displaying their culinary excellence on TVs Saturday Kitchen…… Or it was until a female Spanish chef started carving up octopus, causing my missus to turn the TV off.

I’m not sure what Karen finds so odious about the act of preparing a cephalopod mollusc for human consumption. However, I’m relieved she does as it means we won’t be having it for tea anytime soon.

I wrote above that it was a female Spanish chef who was preparing the octopus meal. Why I added the word female is a mystery as it’s irrelevant to this narrative. Coming to think of it so is the fact the she was Spanish!…. Note to self – On occasion you don’t need to be so granular with your description.

Although not what you’d call an accomplished chef, I do cook a proportion of our weekly meals. I’m not in possession of the exact proportion I make in comparison to Karen as I’m not sad enough to keep meaningless statistics about the sharing of house chores.

Although I do know I carry out 88.5% of the vacuuming, 95.3% of the decorating and 76.8% of the cleaning of the coffee machine, which I class as ‘preparation for an argument’ stats.

My portfolio of culinary accomplishments isn’t vast, but what I do knock up tends to be perfectly edible and well received by my brood. In particular, the fact I avoid octopus in any of my creations seems to meet the approval of my spouse.

I’m not adventurous with my recipes, tending to stick to tried and tested meals I ordinarily present. Although I did cook a superb soufflé in one of my dreams last week, which I was relieved about as I’d slightly overcooked the salted sea bass main course.

I tend to enjoy the approach to cooking of the late TV chef Keith Floyd. His strategy was to produce meals that weren’t hugely time consuming to prepare; leaving more time to drink wine while the one pot casserole of unfilleted chicken and unpeeled veg simmered happily on the hob.

Floyd was a colourful character whose cooking shows, particular on his global travels, were always good entertainment. Although, I must admit, I couldn’t watch one without craving a glass of vino at the shows conclusion.

On his travels to far flung places, the four-times married chef predominantly cooked alfresco on a portable gas hob. Ordinarily I didn’t find his meals aesthetically pleasing to look at when served, although his cameraman Clive seemed to approve and tucked in heartily.

I can’t recollect if Keith Floyd ever consumed any of the meals on the conclusion of their cooking process.  However, I’d love to think when asked off camera if he’d like to sample his recently created culinary masterpiece, he’d have responded “You’re joking aren’t you?!….. I’m not eating that s***e!…… I’m going down the pub for a greasy burger and a pint!”

While on the subject of things culinary, this evening Karen wants to try out a recipe by Italian chef Gino D’Acampo, which she found online. The dish is called Chicken Italia which I understand is a chicken dish.

I would imagine if it was a beef recipe it would have the moniker of Beef Italia. However, Gino’s a mischievous guy so who knows.

As it’s lunchtime and penning this monologue has made me hungry, I’m going to bring this ramble amongst the recipes to a conclusion.

I’ll let you know if Chicken Italia turns out to be a chicken dish in tomorrows narrative.