Scene – The morning of 25th December 2025. In the living room of a terraced mid-20th century built home, on the sofa/chaise, a middle-aged couple prepare to exchange yuletide gifts. Beneath the high ceiling typically witnessed in residences of this era, the male of the duo (Gary) catches sight of a huge wrapped present bearing his moniker.
Not only curious about what resides within this immense carton, which covers most of the lounge carpet; he’s intrigued by the wrapping paper’s lack of festivity. After running out of Christmas sheets, his partner Sarah enveloping the gargantuan package in paper containing images of hyenas in the wild.
Gary concludes the box is probably large enough to house a family of hyenas. However, as the cardboard container is bereft of air holes, he rules out the possibility hyenas are in situ.
Unless, of course, wild dogs were residing within and Sarah had forgotten to pierce air holes into the container. Under which scenario he maybe about to receive a pack of suffocated hyenas as a Xmas gift from his beloved. A situation he concludes which would introduce an ‘interesting’ addition to the carol ’12 Days of Christmas’… Leading to the following adapted carol verse permeating within his neurological corridors:- “On the fourth day of Christmas my true love sent to me… five gold rings… four dead hyenas… three French hens… two turtle doves… and a partridge in a pear tree.”
A lover of surprise gifts, Gary’s sought clues into its contents by rocking the box from corner to corner. However, this approach only generated dull thuds, which he concluded could have been caused by anything… Well, anything which could fit in the box, ruling out a full size statue of Winston Churchill, or indeed any full size statue. The lack of tortured wailing sounds also indicated the cardboard container didn’t contain the of souls of the oppressed.
As more minutes passed, the middle-aged man unceasingly stared and pondered what lay within this mystery package. Although fairly positive the present wouldn’t be hyenas, after Sarah gifted him a beagle last September without consent he wasn’t prepared to completely rule out the theory.
Gary continued to dither, excitedly proclaiming for the umpteenth time “I’m really intrigued with what’s in this pressie.” At this juncture, though, his beau was growing tired of his overblown giddiness and excessive wavering.
“Is the pressie something for my kitchen, Sarah?” The skittish man enquired.
“No!”
“An ornament for my living room?”
“Nope!”
“Electrical equipment?”
Sarah sighed loudly, snapping back tersely “No!”
“Sporting equipment?”
“Look Gary, just open the bloody thing and find out!” Sarah barked, her patience all but evaporated.
Although hurt at what he deemed his partner’s uncalled for vexation, the sensitive fella wasn’t prepared to let her irritation dull his verve. Alighting the sofa he slowly approached the gift wrapped box.
While this scene playing out, Bella the beagle was in the kitchen. Although, she didn’t have much choice, because of the enormous bloody package covering most of the carpet, there was no space for her in the living room .
The hound standing guard by the oven, eagerly watched the festive turkey cook. Drooling by the glass oven door, she appeared eager for the back lit bird to be cooked and served. If she’d owned a watch her impatience would’ve possibly led to her tapping the face and tutting at the duration it was taking to roast… Alas, she didn’t, so made do with drooling.
Footnote – If Sarah had listened to Gary, Bella would have owned a watch; the feckless fella earlier suggesting a timepiece as a festive trinket for the mutt… With the hound unable to tell the time, though she dismissed this ridiculous suggestion out of hand.
Anyhow, back to Christmas Day 2025, and a middle-aged man about to have his curiosity sated…
Upon reaching the present, Gary sat on a small piece of carpeted area not draped in unwrapped gifts. Choosing not to employ Charlie Bucket’s rough and hurried unravelling of his Wonka bar when seeking a golden ticket, the curious fella began to slowly peel away the paper from the packages bottom corner.
Slowly tearing through the sheet in an upwards direction, Gary sought a hint of the contents while bit by bit exposing the cardboard container. The first side of the large package blank; likewise the carefully unravelled second and third sides of the carton bore neither words or diagram, depriving him of an early clue.
Patience wearing even thinner as the sloth-like opening technique employed by her partner played out, Sarah barked “For Christ’s sake just open the bloody thing!… Stop fannying about… It’s a blank on all sides of box; it has no wording or diagrams on any of the sides!”
Upon hearing this admonishment, her fella decided it was now time to employ Charlie Bucket’s rough handed approach to packaging removal. Hastily tearing the remainder and opening the two cardboard flaps on the top to finally unveil the main Christmas offering from his erratic beau.
Inside lay four large pieces of equipment; consisting of three plastic tubes (one with an electric cable and plug), and what looked like a reusable material shopping bag. Unable to identify what the sum of these components would make, Gary enquired with tongue in cheek, “Bloody hell; have you bought me a portable missile launcher?”
Sarah sarcastically responded, “Yeah, because all military hardware in the field incorporates a plug for electric hookup!… You berk!”
“You never know. You’d have electric hook up out in the field if you were involved an operation at, say, a campsite.”
“Don’t talk crap! We’ve visited many a campsite when we had the camper van, and without exception their T&C’s state use of howitzers, rocket launchers and camouflage equipment is prohibited.”
“What do all of these pieces build into then?” A baffled Gary queried. A tad miffed his joke being gifted a rocket launcher was deemed as a serious suggestion and written off so harshly by Sarah.
“It’s an electric leaf blower… It’s great isn’t it?!”
“Errrr, yeah!” It’ll come in really handy,” Gary chirped. Although, knowing he’d have no opportunity to use it until autumn 2026, his observation somewhat tinged with sarcasm.
Anyhow, after that 1,000 word introduction here is the point I wanted to make within this blog. With September and the Fall just around the corner, Gary’s excitement has been revived knowing in a few short weeks, after a nine month wait, he’ll be able to at last use that bloody leaf blower!!
So now you know!… What do you mean, you wish I hadn’t bothered telling you!… Blimey, tough crowd!
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