It is two months since the summer solstice and the UK is hurtling towards autumn like a thoroughbred horse released from race stalls. The midday sun gets ever lower, solar rays are markedly cooler and I’ve started frantically searching my house for my portable central heating thermostat. The control box not required just yet, but with September around the corner it’s good to be prepared.
Although not a boy scout as a kid whenever possible I endeavour to embrace their ‘Be Prepared’ motto, handed down by god (or was it Robert Baden-Powell?). For example, I give you the case of a spare piece of wood saved back in 2013, timber made into a bat should I come out of cricketing retirement.
It’s a crap bat, which isn’t likely fit for purpose if called upon, however like the famous cricket saying tells us “Wielding a crap bat is better than not having one!” Anyhow, as it’s unlikely I’ll ever play the game again the bat’s quality isn’t really that important.
However, not using the sporting equipment for its original purpose doesn’t stop the welling of pride every time I witness my carpentry skills upon entering the garage. The timber proudly leaning against the breeze block wall, like a drunk propping up the bar at closing time.
I take great self pride in making this bat, with its component parts held together with gaffer tape and Blu Tac. On the back of the willow, I believe I’m the first person ever to include a cheesecloth pocket where I can house my pipe while batting. I don’t smoke a pipe, but as I’ve already alluded to it’s good to be prepared.
Of course, you can’t be ready for all existential eventualities. You have to evaluate the likelihood of an incident occurring, along with factors like logistics and cost of mitigating against an events impact. However, with temperatures certain to diminish even more in the near future, knowing where the portable thermostat box is located is imperative.
Not all potential perils, though, are worth giving too much headspace. I’m referring to highly unlikely events which can never be totally written off as impossible, however, the probability of occurring is so remote preparing contingency plans are a waste of time.
For instance, I wouldn’t take extra steps against an ostrich stealing my mobile phone, With a dearth of the flightless birds roaming West Yorkshire in the wild, having secure doors and the unlikeliness of beaky needing to utilise a mobile phone, I’d venture the cost against risk ratio wouldn’t justify the expense.
That being said, magpies have been know to steal from humans; for instance during Christmas 1975 when one of the black and white avians stole and ate my Cadbury’s selection box. Well, according to my younger brother Ian they did. I suspect, though, as he had chocolate smeared round his mouth and his selection box hadn’t be opened at that juncture he was the culprit of the heist.
Seriously, though, magpies do have a reputation of stealing objects from human residences; in particular shiny trinkets like jewellery, cutlery and my uncle Arthur’s disco ball. The ball later found hanging in a nearby oak tree; although uncle Arthur wasn’t initially allowed access to the tree to recover his sphere after failing to meet the necessary dress code for entry. Only securing the balls return the following day after procuring a magpie outfit from a local fancy dress outfitters.
However, I’d suggest you can’t compare the jeopardy of being victim to theft by a magpie opposed to an ostrich. Yeah, ostriches are more aggressive and pose greater threat of injury to humans; however, their flightlessness and larger size mean they can’t fly through an open window, pilfer, and make an airborne escape with their booty.
Magpies have a greater inclination to steal. Like Raffles, they are unfazed by carrying out larceny and fencing their ill gotten gains down the pub… Ok, I’m exaggerating when stating magpies endeavour to fence stolen good down at The Red Lion; I still maintain, though, they’re thieving little b*****ds!
Footnote – When I refer to Raffles in the previous paragraph I’m referring to Arthur J Raffles, a fictional gentleman thief created by author EW Hornung. Not the gambling competition in which participants by numbered tickets with a view to winning a prize.
Anyhow, in a nutshell, this being prepared malarky can be a minefield… Errrr, s**t, sorry I must dash… A bloody ostrich has just run off with my mobile phone!!
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