Padel

7am this morning, my beagle Bella and me exited the metallic gate of our home, embarking on a short ten minute stroll to the local park. A sojourn which takes us past around ten residences before turning right onto a 200 metre dirt track road and across the main road adjacent to the treelined parkland.

Heavy overnight rain had transitioned into a shower so insipid there was no need to raise my anorak hood. Although with my beloved hound loathing water exposure of any force, the tepid shower proved strong enough to lower her spirits. My furry faced buddy seeming less fleet of foot and waggy of tail than usual as we navigated the local avenues and alleyways.

Starting the small decline down the dirt track toward Church Street I indulged in my usual absurd imaginary discussions with Bella. Interactions which aren’t spoken out loud, but flood my mind during these doggy ambles. Our ‘conversation’ going something like this;-

Me – “Did you see that new ITV drama last night?”

Bella (moodily responding) – “You know I didn’t, I was sitting next to you on the sofa all evening… And from that I know you didn’t see it either, you were watching old movies on Youtube!”

Me (surprised by the terseness of the retort) – “Blimey, no need to be so hostile.”

Bella (dismissively) – “Well, I hate small talk… Even if you’d have watched the drama, I wouldn’t want to indulge in some cliched discourse with you about its plot line and acting merits… The fact you asked already knowing a) I hadn’t seen it, and b) neither had you beggars belief.”

Me – “Lots of people enjoy exchanging critiques of shows they’ve watched.”

Bella (grumpily) – “Granted; but I don’t… Plus, even if I did, we didn’t watch last night’s ITV drama anyhow, we couldn’t make any sort of informed judgement on the show’s merits even if we wanted to!”

Me (agitated at my dogs hostility) – “I don’t know why you’re so belligerent.”

Bella (harshly) – “You irritate me with you’re ill-thought out comments.”

Me – “What do you mean?… I was only endeavouring to strike up a conversation to lighten the mood on our walk… Especially when we’re undertaking the stroll in such dank weather conditions.”

Bella (getting wetter and more agitated) – “I appreciate that. It’s not the fact you wanted to strike up a conversation which irritated me. I was irked by the topic and you asking it whilst already knowing the answer.”

Me (in conciliatory fashion) –“Well what topic would have drawn you into a more agreeable dialogue.”

Bella (mood lifting slightly) – “Something grabbing the current zeitgeist, such as a discussion about the growth of the sport padel in the UK’

Me – “I don’t know anything about padel!”

Bella (now much more invested in conversation) – “I could teach you, if you raised the topic in conversation.”

Me – “Ok, Bella tell me about padel.”

Bella (I think not expecting me to call her bluff) – “Erm… Well it’s a racket sport mixing elements of tennis and squash.”

After a few seconds pause I broke the silence with “And?!”

Bella (seeming surprised her answer wasn’t’t suffice to sate my curiosity) – “What do you mean, and?”

Me – “You said you were going to educate me with all things padel. Please proceed.”

Bella (again showing signs of techiness) – “I’ve already told you, it’s a racket sport mixing elements of tennis and squash.”

Me (thirsty for knowledge) – “I get that, but want you to put flesh on those racket sport bones.”

Bella – “Such as?”

Me – “Well, for instance, where is it played, what’s the scoring system and can you give details about the equipment required to partake in this new wonder sport.”

Bella (dismissively) – “Oh, I don’t know… You can Google all that stuff if you want to know the far end of a fart about the bloody game!”

Me (exasperated at my dogs dismissiveness) –“Far end of a fart?… I just want to be educated into the game’s basics, as you promised, not receive an in-depth coaching lesson ssurrounding tactics…All you’ve told me so far is it’s a racket sport mixing elements of tennis and squash.”

Bella – “Well it is!”

Me (getting more confrontational) – “Yeah, but you eviscerated me earlier for my conversation topic choice. Vain gloriously adding you could educate me about padel. A subject you claim would have led to an interesting discussion, avoiding us turning onto Smalltalk Avenue mid-journey.”

Bella (defensively) – “Padel is far more enthralling topic than your flawed decision to strike up a conversation with a question you already knew the answer to.”

Me (continuing on the offensive) – “Maybe it is. However, I’d argue it was barely an erudite discussion about the sport. Well, apart from your initial vague one liner which raised more questions than answers… Questions, incidentally, you couldn’t answer when pressed!”

Bella – “Ok, I admit there are holes in my padel knowledge. However, although not teaching you anything meaningful about the game, it has evolved into discourse which is far from the small talk you served up earlier.”

Me (indignantly) – “Holes in your padel knowledge!!… “Holes in your padel knowledge!!… You know absolutely f**& all about the game, other than it’s a racket sport containing elements of squash and tennis.”

Bella (patronisingly) – “Yes, but my point is I raised a topic culminating into an engaging verbal joust between us; which was my goal when I suggested discussing the rise of padel in the UK.”

Me – “So the verbal joust, as you call it, met your goal. Even though all we’ve learned during the confrontational debate is that you know absolutely f*** all about padel?”

Bella (smugly) – “Pretty much yeah… I feel much happier now!”

At this point the man and dog duo reach the park gates. Bella wanders as far as her leash allows in the wake of a squirrel scent, while. her owner googles the padel wiki page. Distracted while educating himself with the sports rules, equipment and history, much to his chagrin, Gary stands in a dog poop not picked up by another dog owner.