Foiled

Yesterday, while strolling the avenues and alleyways of this fair metropolis. I bumped into an old acquaintance; a keen amateur runner who goes by the nickname Frank Microwave-Oven.

My pal’s unlikely pseudonym borne from him receiving static electric shocks when coming into contact with post-race foil blankets.. The covers aimed at keeping athletes warm at a races denouement causing his metaphorical sparks to fly.

Frank was in low spirits when our paths crossed; mercifully not because of me taking time out of my busy schedule to talk to him… Or so he assured me anyhow. No, the local athlete was disenchanted due to a chequered start to the new year luck wise.

Amongst the poor serendipity plaquing him was his new ‘Speak Your Weight’ scales becoming inaudible after contracting laryngitis. When endeavouring to get a refund from the sellers he was given a box of paracetamol for the machine and told it should be working again within week.

He also complained about a recent intrusive prostate examination at his doctors. An incident where, when the GP sought to check the health of his prostate by inserting a digit into his back passage, it was necessary for the postman to sheepishly enquire “Is this necessary, doctor? I’m only here to deliver the mail!”

Although traumatised by the episode, I endeavoured to make him see the incident’s positives. Such as, his prostate was given a clean bill of health; not to mention he is now free of haemorrhoids. Additionally, at least the GP didn’t wrap him in foil after the procedure.

Continuing to pour out his soul to me, Frank revealed his prevailing embitterment was augmented further upon learning recently he was born out of dreadlocks. I think he meant born out of wedlock, not that his mum was a Rastafarian, but he’s an eccentric fella so who knows.

Yours truly, though, deemed it wise not to seek clarification; instead assuring the downbeat runner it wasn’t something to dwell on. Advising late revelation of this secret made no difference to what he brings to the table as a person. This a smorgasbord of gifts including humour, intelligence, humanity, and the ability to recite the West Yorkshire bus timetable.

Frank smiled appreciatively at my attempts to cheer him up. Going on to reveal not all was bad in the Microwave-Oven household since the turn of the year. For example, he is upbeat about a new hobby taken up as 2025 dawned; that the pastime of collecting sporting memorabilia.

With a lukewarm grin emerging on his previously sallow visage, my buddy reeled off some of the sport merchandising he’d acquired in recent weeks. A list including signed football shirts, cricket memorabilia and framed programmes from iconic sporting events.

Some of his acquisitions being more niche collectables. Such as the preserved moustache worn by former Liverpool footballer Ian Rush in the 1986 FA Cup final. A game which saw the Welshmen bag a brace during the Reds 3-1 win over bitter local rivals Everton.

Another recent addition to the postman’s collection is a signed corn plaster worn by South African athlete Zola Budd during the 3000 metres at the Los Angeles Olympics. The diminutive woman (who ran bare-foot and was representing Britain at the time) famously colliding with US favourite Mary Decker in the race. A bump resulting in the American having to retire from the contest after falling. I’ve no idea if the corn plaster played any part in Budd’s stumble, but hey what a keepsake for Frank.

As we parted company outside of Wakefield Cathedral, it was heartening to witness Mr Microwave-Oven appearing in better spirits than when we met. I told him I was off to procure some shopping, Frank retorting he was off home to comb Ian Rush’s moustache.

Heading towards Sainsburys supermarket, I endeavour to remember the five items I needed to buy from the store. Eggs, milk, wine, sausages, and… Errrr, what the bloody hell was the other item I needed?!… Oh yeah, aluminium foil.