Gary Strachan – "Write" Said Fred

A Whimsical Daily Diary From Deep Within A Random Mind

Weather Sucks; Wetherspoons

Tuesday 17th April – Yesterdays rocketing temperatures in West Yorkshire meant I was able to fulfil my much awaited re-entry into the world of horticultural maintenance.

Solar rays bequeathing us warmth hitherto unexperienced in 2018. Heat of such ferocity if you sat close enough to a fire pit it was just about bearable enough to sit at the patio table. That being said, coats or excessive bodily hirsuteness were still required……. A situation causing my wife Karen to don an anorak, whereas I relied upon my unkempt pelt for added comfort against the chill.

Excuse my cynicism, but meteorological forecasts at the weekend indicated we Brits were to become benefactors of increased outdoor temperatures this next few days. Presently, though, the predictions are wide of the mark – Today being so breezy I’d wager by the time I conclude this narrative the contents of Karen’s washing line will be laying prostrate on Garforth Main Street.

If my prophecy does come to pass and you decide to claim my pair of 34R Next branded jeans, found on the path outside The Newmarket pub, please be aware the zip fastener can be a tad temperamental. Despite pilfering my clothing, I’d be mortified if you were arrested for exposing yourself in Wetherspoons, or indeed anywhere else.

Talking of the JD Wetherspoon pub chain, I read yesterday they are going to close all of their social media accounts. Consequently, I’ll not be tweeting them to look in their beer garden for a pair of discarded 34R Next jeans with an unreliable zip.

Today, I’d intended to commence my annual task of applying ‘5 year’ wood preservative to my fencing. A product that boasts to last half a decade before re-application is required, however, this is the third year in a row I’ve had to re-cover the fence panels. Indicating to yours truly that waiting five years between coats would result in wood so rotten I’d also find it on Garforth Main Street following a stiff breeze.

On reflection, though, I’ve decided against undertaking the chore – Keen to avoid the preservative excess being caught by the strong breeze, resulting in the reckless spraying of clothes washing line in situ……… Thinking about it, though, if I wait until the clothes are taken by gust to Garforth Main Street, I could probably crack on later with staining the wooden panels.

As I wrote yesterday, my lower back is a bit tender since I tweaked it yesterday – An injury the consequence of stretching for a component part for the chiminea I was constructing. On news of this, a friend mused it was the most middle-class injury they’d heard of – Except for an acquaintance of theirs who sustained a finger wicklow while biting his nails at the wheel of a Maserati.

Anyhow, middle-class or not, the chiminea was highly appreciated yesterday evening by Karen and I. Particularly it’s stoic efforts at mitigating against our outdoor ‘heatwave’ temperatures. An oasis in a hyperborean desert – The small comfort countering the personal discomfort bestowed by my back injury.

At least it didn’t rain yesterday, meaning I got the opportunity to cut my front and back lawns. Not the easiest task when previously rain-sodden ground underfoot has so much give it’s like manoeuvring the lawnmower over a giant green trampoline.

All in all it was a productive day for yours truly. Not only through the completion of some much needed chores, but also being made aware of the health risks when biting your nails at the wheel of performance cars.

Categories: Blogs, family, fiction, humour, parody, Spoof News Stories

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