Beast From The East

According to meteorologists and a local pensioner’s bunions, the icy temperatures strangling the UK show no sign of relenting in the coming days. Originating in Scandinavia and dubbed the ‘Beast from the East’, this meteorological front is currently acquiring more column inches than any other news story.

Apart, that is, from Saturday’s English rugby defeat at the hands of Scotland, Arsenal football club’s woeful League Cup final performance yesterday; the unlikely tale of archaeological unearthing of a Roman Centurion’s fitness video; and a yarn about a hoarder who collects his thoughts.

Weather is big news amongst the inhabitants of these sceptred isles. Holding a place in the nation’s conversational hierarchy akin to whining, misguided thoughts of self-entitlement and ingrained negativity.

With that in mind, a utopian conversation for us Brits would encompass complaining negatively about the weather, while lambasting weather god’s for the inconvenience they’ve introduced to our not to be inconvenienced existences.

The observations above are delivered very much with tongue in cheek. That being said they aren’t fully without foundation, you whinging b*st*rds!…… I knew putting pen to paper during ‘Alienate Your Readership Week’ would be a foolhardy idea!

If anyone is still reading this after my mischievous thoughts on the psyche of Blighty’s inhabitants, I imagine you either don’t like the British, or are British but concur with my whimsical shenanigans. Either way, thank you for staying with me, although can you do me a favour and pull your flies up, please!

In all seriousness I love Britain and it’s selfless, spirited, innovative, creative, funny inhabitants. I’d never want to live anywhere else other than this beautiful island with history, pomp, circumstance and a KFC oozing from every pore. To my mind, freezing my bosker browns off for three months a year is a small sacrifice to make to be UK in situ.

In fact, I’d venture constant sunshine and residing in an arid land would hold no attraction for yours truly. The grass wouldn’t be greener on the other side, it would be a parched brown fire hazard. I may benefit from improved vitamin-D levels with the increased exposure to sunlight, but as my bucket list doesn’t include vitamin-D enhancement, that holds no leverage……. Unless of course I develop a vitamin-D deficiency, in which case I’ll be off living abroad like a shot.

If I lived abroad I’d pine for aesthetic majesty of the Yorkshire Dales geology and it’s market towns; also longing for visits to the historic cities of my homeland. Additionally, I’d miss my regular summertime exclamation of “Bloody hell, it’s raining!” just after lighting the barbeque briquettes in my kaleidoscopic back garden.


Anyway, the snow hasn’t arrived in east Leeds yet. TV meteorologists believe the flurries will join us later today, with the worst of the white stuff arriving tomorrow.

The pensioner, whose bunions are predicting the arrival of snow in the area, can be less specific about the storm arrival time. All he knows is that his bunions hurt like hell, which is ordinarily an indication of snowflake arrival within a week…… Either that or he’s contracted gout again!

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