Implementing The Hirsuteness Reduction Project

50 Shades of Grey

Well it had to happen!…….. Despite my delaying tactics and protestations I finally relented and saw 50 Shades of Grey with Karen today….. Yes, I’ve spent half the morning going through a Dulux paint chart as she wants me to decorate the hallway.

Prior to my wife and I scrutinising the paint chart, Karen kindly clippered yours trulys back, removinh my resplendent winter pelt.

As with sheep shearing, it as a process I have undertaken every spring to relieve me of my year-old coat. This annual grooming is part of my preparations to keep me comfortable and cool in summer.

Unlike sheep, the pelt remnants are not collected for subsequent distribution to clothing manufacturers. Apart from an occasion in 2011 when I send the clippered back hair to the Dunoon Sporran Builders (yes I didn’t realise sporrans were built either!) for processing.

Unfortunately, it soon became clear there wasn’t much of a market for back hair sporrans, which resulted in me losing my buyer. I just bin the hair now.


God bless Karen for offering to undertake the job, it isn’t the most pleasant of tasks. I’d guess it’s one rung down in the pecking order of the unwanted grooming chores ladder from nasal hair removal……. I’d like to clarify at this point I undertake my own nasal hair grooming.

I count myself lucky that she agreed to be a strategic part of my Hirsuteness Reduction Project, as it’s not something I can undertake myself for the obvious logistical reasons.

This was a high risk project which was poorly change managed, over budget (I had to buy new clippers) and had no robust backout plan should things go awry……. Not unless you count gluing my hair back on as a robust backout plan…… Which at best is flawed.

Without Karen’s kind input into this it would have been necessary for me to attach a stick to my clippers. This would have mitigated against the reach issues prohibiting the shaving of ones own rear. However, I would wager that approach would have lacked the precision grooming the project was set up to achieve.

“Why didn’t you just leave it, Gary?…… After all no one else gets to see your back hair, apart from your wife and the East Leeds Back Hair Surveillance team, who monitor your every androgen fuelled growth.” I hear you cry.

A member of the East Leeds Back Hair Surveillance team


It’s a valid question, especially when you take into account that I was making a fortune with my Chewbacca look alike business (other hairy growly sci-fi characters are available). So why remove that particular income stream?

I’d say my desire to have a clear back revolves around motherly advice to me as a child. This revolved around ensuring, when leaving the home, I wear clean undies and am well groomed. This pearl of wisdom was passed down to avoid the potential of humiliation in the event I got run over by a car.

It was well meant, but advice I found hard to comprehend. It seemed that my mum was advocating my well being wasn’t the most important concern in a collision with a car. Instead, that accolade went to be my state of dress and hirsuteness at the time of the incident.

Another thing that confused me was that I could go out in clean undies, however seeing a car about to make impact with me would I surmise make me poop myself. Subsequently, the clean undies advice would be shot out of the water at this point.

Right, I best get back to the paint colour chart and choose which shade of grey will adorn the hallway dans maison de le Strachan…….. The front runner at the minute is the curiously named Scrotal Granite (below)!


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