Turned Out Arid Again, Mother!

Today started like everyday, with the walk. A dishevelled man with three score years of broken dreams emerged from a bedraggled duvet, standing up he adjusts his boxer shorts which feel like they’ve been screwed on by a spanner. Stretching melodramatically, he adds to the histrionics with an overly exaggerated yawn.

The head of his beagle hound Bella lifts from its otherwise prostate body; a frame curled in her bed like a badly packaged saveloy. She affords her master an inquisitive stare. A look which says “Are we going out for a walk, dad; or are you merely getting up for your third wee of the night?”

Upon witnessing summer sun peeping through a gap in the vertical blinds, the man (Gary) feels a spurt of energy absent on less clement days. The warmth the ying to the yang of winter dawns when biting cold and rainfall make rising for a dog stroll a less appealing prospect.

With jocular tones a little louder than usual, he makes eye contact with his furry charge to enquire “Are we off for a walk then, Bellsy?!”

The dog’s exit from her bed is not unlike her human companion. Within the scene Bella producing similar overstated grunts and yelps as she stretches in preparation for a walk. After this ritual, with tail wagging, she darts in front of Gary, out of the bedroom, coming to a halt at the top of the stairs to wait for her still dressing owner.

Finally clothed, after having to redress when realising his sweatshirt was inside out, Gary emerges onto the landing. The recently woken fella narrowly avoiding falling over his waiting canine as while heading towards the toilet for his third wee of the night.

Witnessing the impatient look in Bells’ eyes, the man chirps “Have some bloody patience! It’s ok for you, you don’t have to dress. Plus I have to wee here; I don’t have the luxury of being able to piss in the street or park!… Well not without jeopardy of arrest anyhow.”

The diatribe does little to assuage the restless dog whose looks of disdain remain until they are outside and at the starting line, ie the front garden gate.

As they emerge into the street, the pair enter into a verbal engagement, indulging the owners need for the absurd and filling the hour or so it takes to complete this wander. These daily interactions aren’t, of course real; the plot line emerges from deep within Gary’s capricious mind.

So if you are ready, buckle up for todays verbal interplay between the man and his charge:-

Scene – Walking down a stone track road towards the main road. A carriageway which needs to be navigated in order to gain access to the local park. Darker pathways on the journey reveal slight rainfall overnight. Ossett’s first rainfall, it seems, since a guy called Noah was seen sailing along Church Street in his ark.

Gary – “Nice to see we’ve had some bloody rain at last, Bells.”

Bella  (disparagingly) – “It’s not rained much though has it!”

Gary – “Enough to negate me having to water my garden tubs and borders this morning. At least it’s saved me that job.”

Bella (dismissively) – “Barely. Overnight clouds have only gifted enough water to fill a church baptism font.”

Gary – “You’re so bloody negative. At least the flora and fauna won’t be as arid. Which is good for us gardeners.”

Bella (equally dismissively) – “Whatever… Anyhow what with you using all these big words like negate and arid.”

Gary (Defensively) – “Arid isn’t a big word. It’s only four letters!”

Bella (Gaining her usual joy from antagonising her owner) – “Yeah but no one uses words like arid in normally daily discourse. They’d say dry!”

Gary – “Old time movie star and ukulele player George Formby used the word loads in his 1930’s film ‘It’s Turned Out Arid Again, Mother!’”

Bella (incredulously) – “There’s no such film!”

Gary (Digging himself a huge hole) – “There is!”

Bella (Realising her master was floundering – “No there isn’t.”

Gary (Foolishly not letting the discussion die) – “Google it!”

Bella (Amazed at how Gary won’t back down when he’s clearly wrong) – “Google it!… Google it!… I’m a f***ing dog!… Even if I had a device to surf the internet, I’d suggest being born with paws instead of a hands would shaft any chance of checking your outrageous stupidity via a search engine!”

Gary (In an unhinged move and much to his dog’s delight) – “Right then, I’ll bloody Google it!”

Bella watches on with a grin and wagging tail as her misguided master types ‘George Formby arid’ into his mobile phone’s search engine… A few seconds later…

Bella (Sarcastically) – “Well then. What does IMDb say about the movie ‘It’s Turned Out Arid Again, Mother!’?”

Gary (Convinced the movie existed and crestfallen at his hound once again getting one over on him) – “Erm… I doesn’t appear to be on IMDb. I thought the database contained all movies every produced!”

Bella (Incredulous his owner still won’t admit he was wrong) – “All movies are on there. You can’t find it because it doesn’t exist, you idiot.”

As Bella guffaws at his expense, a pissed off Gary chunters through gritted teeth “Incidentally, how are your prey hunting skills, Bells?”

Bella – “I’ve no idea. I’ve never had to hunt for food.”

Gary – “Well tonight you’re gonna have to put them to the test because I won’t be feeding you, you piss taking little sod!”

With the chortling now emitting from the human’s mouth, a disgruntled beagle mutters under her breath “Bastard!”