Yesterday I wrote the first of what I plan to make a series of imaginary verbal jousts as I walk my beagle Bella during a 5-10 min stroll to the park, as part of her daily morning walk. These mostly absurd notions manifesting in my mind as I wander the street, a dirt track road, before crossing Church Street to our parkland destination.
I don’t continue these neurological word salads once we reach the green field surrounded by bushes, trees and a rugby pitch. At this juncture my concentration pivots into controlling the erratic behaviour of Bells. No easy task when strolling with a dog who loses all focus when wandering land teeming with distracting scents, fellow hounds and their bleary eyed masters.
With nose to the ground exploring the source of the aforementioned scents we’ll zig zag (she zigs, I zag) over the same area of greenery. A particularly strong redolence evoking a hog like snorting sound as the plot evolves. At this point, like Baloo in the Jungle Book movie distracted by a jazz beat, my dog is gone, solid gone. Rendering any instruction I give moot; similar to how my mind shuts off when anyone raises the topic of tabloid TV show Love Island.
The required full focus I need to monitor Bella’s antics at this point robbing me of any thoughts of continuing my imaginary verbal interactions. Fictional banter which ordinarily sees me casting myself as a feckless Wooster to a beagle’s streetwise Jeeves.
Why do I need to do this you probably wonder. A fair enquiry under the circumstances which is hard to answer. Maybe I’ve lived alone too long, perhaps I need to mix more frequently with other individuals in my retirement. Or it could be that I just enjoy the creative buzz I get from such ludicrously self-indulgent prose.
Anyhow, whatever the reason, I enclose this morning’s verbal interaction between man and furry charge. These notions flooding my neurological corridors like a tsunami as we headed towards Church Street park at 6.50am …
Gary – “It’s quite breezy this morning Bells. I’m glad I put a jacket on, I’d have been a bit cold in just a t-shirt.”
Bella (Sarcastically) – “Yeah, don’t worry about putting my coat on. I don’t mind freezing my nuts off!”
Gary – “It’s barely freezing. Anyhow, you don’t have nuts. You’re a lady.”
Bella – “I’d still have been more comfortable in my coat.”
Gary – “You hate wearing that coat. Even in winter you run off when I come anywhere near you in it!”
Bella (grumpily) – “It’s not the coat the makes me give you a wide berth… I avoid you because your chirpy mood before cold, rainy winter walks irritates me!… What sort of idiot feels the need to whistle and sing cheerily when they’re just about to get piss wet through outside!”
Gary – “Bloody misery… Anyhow, you don’t need a coat you have your own pelt.”
Bella – “You’re kidding me aren’t you? You bloody back is hairy than mine and you felt the need for one!”
Gary ignores his irritable hound as they turn right onto a 200 metre dirt track road. As they walk Bella ups the pace, turning to Gary to admonish him for his slow walking pace.
Bella – “Hurry up, Gaz!”
Gary – “What’s the rush; you’re so bloody impatient!”
Bella – “There are scents to be had and other dogs to bark at.”
Gary – “What is it with the sniffing of these scents? What do you get from it?”
Bella – “Lots of things”
Gary – “Such as?”
Bella – “Well, for one, I can tell if potential prey has recently trodden this path.”
Gary (Patronisingly) – “As you don’t hunt prey, what would you do with that information?”
Bella – “If I come across the source I can stare at the prey menacingly.”
Gary – “And?…”
Bella – “They’ll be pretty damned scared, I can tell you!”
Gary (Sneeringly) – “No they wouldn’t!… Even cats don’t run when you confront them!”
Bella – “Binks along the street does!”
Gary – “No he doesn’t. He sits under a car taunting you!… You just stand there gormlessly looking back!
Bella (Defensively) – “He’s crapping himself inside though!”
Gary (Enjoying having the upper hand in an argument for a change – “No he isn’t… Truth is now you’re domesticated, you’re a soft shite. You don’t intimidate anyone.”
Bella (Tersely) – “Look, I could still survive in the wild if needs be, you cheeky get!”
Gary – “Only if I was there with you with a bag of treats, wet meat pouches and bottled water!”
Bella (Becoming increasingly agitated) – “Bullshit!… If I had to I’d be able to kill to survive.”
Gary (Smirking) – “No chance. You wouldn’t have a clue how to kill prey or eat anything that wasn’t mixed into your bowl with dry dog biscuits.”
Bella (Making eye contact with her owner) – “You underestimate me!’
Gary (Revelling in usurping his hound in the mischief making stakes for once) – “No I don’t. If a fox came up to you you’d crap yourself!”
Bella (Angrily) – “Look I’ve just about had it with you belittling me… You know I bark at foxes… You told me off for barking at one the other day!”
Gary (Cynically) – “That was a woman walking past our garden in a White Fox branded sweat top you were chuntering at!… That doesn’t count!”
Bella – “Shut up, you idiot!”
Gary – “Anyhow, apart from identifying potential prey, what other ‘benefits’ do you get from the scents in the park?”
Bella – “Canine pee provides an update on the news in the dog world.”
Gary – “Eh?… How?”
Bella – “It’s hard to explain to the uninitiated but dog urine gives fellow hounds a bulletin on their diet, current health and whether they watched Coronation Street last night.”
Gary – “Thank god I’m a human, that’s all I can say!”
Bella – “Why?”
Gary – “Because I can get my news from the mouth of the fragrant Mary Nightingale on TV. I don’t have to resort to smelling someone’s pee to tell me how the war in Iran is going!!”
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