Seven!!

Scene – At the park’s periphery, a middle-aged man and his dog engage on a frenetic walk. The pair circumnavigate tree trunks with the nimbleness of a Lionel Messi dribble, a waltzing skillset of Anton du Beke, along with the collision avoidance wherewithal of fighter pilot Brad Bootavich. 

Cause of this improvised dance routine was  beagle Bella had happened upon a strong mid-walk scent, meaning I (her hapless owner) would spend his next 10-20 minutes following her foot and body movements; well, except the tail wagging. As I’m sure you’ll be aware, men wagging their tails in public is frowned upon

Footnote – Not knowing the name of any current fighter pilots, and concluding use of WWII airman Douglas Bader inappropriate, I made up the name Brad Bootavich. As a disclaimer, in the unlikely event there is a jet plane helmsman with that name it is purely coincidental, and may also mean I’m psychic.

The huge oaks looked on as Bella took me on a weave around their bases. Choreography requiring me employing dexterous turns used in a Waltz, speed of foot employed in an Argentine Tango and leash tangling avoidance skills akin to a Maypole dancer.

Fleet of footedness, guile and balance skills which would have, if performed on TV show Strictly Come Dancing have head judge Len Goodman gushing in praise. My footwork causing him to, at the very least, raise his marking paddle to announce a score of “SEVEN!!”… Although clearly not now since his sad demise in 2023, god rest his soul! 

it is years since I watched Strictly. Consequently, I’m unsure of the current judging setup…Well, apart from knowing the once chirpy Leonard is no longer with us; the cockney adjudicator now sitting with his number seven paddle behind a judges desk in a celestial Blackpool Tower ballroom.

If Bruno Tonioli still judges, I’m sure after seeing my nimble footwork, he would rise from his chair and with Italian accented melodrama reveal “Ita was a fast, Ita was a smooth, Ita was  a marvellous!!” Prior to raising a score paddle and shouting “TEN!”.

My fleeting footed display around the trees following the dance lead of Bella would, though,  no doubt receive a harsher critique from Craig Revel-Horwood. With habitual sourness, he’d no doubt claim my footwork was clumpy and performance lacked grace. After over-familiarly calling me “Darling” in his affected Aussie brogue, he’d lift his paddle to award a mean “THREE!” out of ten.

Irrespective of judges scores, echoing my meandering beagle’s choreography provided yours truly with a good workout. Calves stretched, tendons extended, ligaments turned, feet swivelled and step goals were achieved, and mercifully injury was avoided. Thankfully. The was no repeat of last Monday’s doggy dawdle when my ankle gave way after inadvertently standing on a protruding tree root; an incident causing me to fall to the ground. Luckily, the only bruise received was to my dignity.

Of course, not all elements of this beagle/human pas de deux would be witnessed on TV’s dance show Strictly Come Dancing. For instance, never in the history of the programme has a choreographer incorporated one party stopping mid-dance to poop, a move followed by their partner picking it up in a bag. 

Additionally even in the most idiosyncratic of routines, I’m sure none of the artistes were constantly snagging clothing on brambles, rose suckers and tree branches. Obstructions leaving them with clicked sweaters, grazes and a fly in their mouth.

When the lead dancer had completed her routine, she headed towards the park’s exit with me following in her slipstream, leash in hand. In my head, as we walked up the dirt track road leading to my street, I imagined the following verbal interaction in the wake of our impromptu dance routine around the mighty oaks:-

Gary – “Did you suss out the source of the scent which drove you into such manic frenzy?”

Bella (Appearing tired and staring at a passing dishevelled fella who looked like he was just returning from his Friday night revelries) – “I’m not sure.”

Gary – “So after all that investigation and our dancing riff you’re none the wiser what caused the redolence, Sherlock?”

Bella – “Well it wasn’t elementary I’m afraid, my dear Watson!”

Gary – “So I went through that cardiovascular routine for nothing?”

Bella – “Stop complaining, it’s the only exercise you get these days since you moved your beer fridge into the kitchen from the garage.”

Gary – “So you’ve no idea at all which animal’s scent required such intense investigation?”

Bella – “The only thing I can rule out is a hoberman.”

Gary – “Hoberman?!!”

Bella – “Yes, it’s a cross between a horse and a doberman.”

Gary (Bewildered) – “Does such a crime against nature exist?”

Bella – “No, that’s why I can completely rule out it was the source of the scent!”

With Gary stunned in silence at such a ridiculous revelation, the pair reach the end of the dirt track, turn left and walk the remaining 50 metres home without exchanging further dialogue.