Recommendations Please

Yesterday, while scouring Facebook timeline announcements like a ferret seeking an errant contact lens, a mischievous notion manifested from deep within my capricious mind. Concluding this epiphany, although admittedly silly, was a harmless enough conception to include these observations within this prose.

As is my want when scribing these journals, or posting online, I constantly seek to augment more serious factual content with the absurd. In this case, my playful social media idea, arriving while sat mid-cheese sandwich, with grated fromage dropping from the butty like bomber command loads.

Footnote – Incidentally, in the above paragraph, I’m referencing the fact I halfway through eating a cheese sandwich, not that I was perched between two slices of bread accompanied by a whole bunch of grated edam.

Anyhow, during this episode, it struck me how much scope was available to request ridiculously specific recommendations via social media platform groups. Particularly within the e-chambers of the world’s second most famous FB after former boxer Frank Bruno….. Mark Zuckerberg’s baby just pushing Irish spoon bender Fergal Brunch into a creditable third place.

This epiphany relating to frequently witnessed social media neighbourhood/village group inquiries such as “Does anyone know a trustworthy and reliable plumber in the area?” Sights raising mischievous thoughts that adding absurd specificity to the catechism could possibly introduce a welcome comedic edge to proceedings.

For instance, an individual could ask fellow group members “Can anyone recommend a trustworthy and reliable left handed plumber called Arthur in the area?” or “Looking for recommendations for Italian restaurants in the area. Mustn’t be called Pirlos or Zephyrs, or smell excessively of pastrami.”

Of course, such nonsense would likely result in numerous perpetrator disbarments by group administrators unappreciative of such hooey. However, I can’t help feel such self-indulgent frippery would raise a smile with some…. Well, it’d impart esprit in me, anyhow!

For instance, despite potential jeopardy of becoming persona non grata to members of the Hairy Back FB group, I’d love to advertise among their cult “Bodily hair grooming by scythe in Ossett…. Fully insured, with ambulances on standby during treatments….. Freezer bags full of ice available in the event of amputations, or indeed for clients wishing to chill gratis cocktails provided.”

Who knows, perhaps a Facebook group could be set up for entertainment purposes only; a platform for people to post parody inquiries or recommendations. As long as it was clearly advertised as being a group writing fictional whimsy, I can’t see how such tomfoolery could flaunt FB posting edicts.

Who knows there may come a time when a particular Facebook faction’s membership absurdly announce:-

“Wanted – Homing sparrows for discerning ornithologist…. Seller mustn’t look like late rugby commentator Eddie Waring.

“Three piece suite – Free to a good home; £5 to cluttered home, or £25 to a right s**t hole!”

“For sale – White, embroidered ladies petticoat…. In good condition; sale due to no longer being able to put up with the coat’s pettiness.”

“For sale – Standard lamp £15 ono; upgrade to First Class lamp for £5!”

“Qualified creosote balancer seeking work in Wakefield, Ossett and Morley areas…. Possesses own sprit level and flat head”

“For sale – The souls and dignity of the proletariat. Contact: The Bullingdon Club, 10 Downing Street, London.”

“Wanted – Dignity, integrity and loads of other things ending with ‘ity’…. Francis T. Fibber, The Bullingdon Club, Morally Bankrupt House, 10 Downing Street, London.”

‘Misogynistic half-wit seeking an opportunity to pat ladies bottoms and indulge in general inappropriate patronisation of the fairer sex….. Am housetrained, however will occasionally need bathing and reading a bedtime story.”

“Seeking recommendations for a reliable female mud wrestler in the Stoke area. Must have own teeth and know a good lasagna recipe. Anyone named Gerta need no apply.”

“For sale – Emperors new clothes – £100….. Plus further £250 for your indecent exposure fine.”

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