Venting On An Advent!


Well we’re into December, we can start opening our advent calendars, put our Christmas trees up without repercussions from the Christmas tree police and people will soon be caroling (hopefully not, though, bringing their cacophonous din to my door!).

I’ve nothing against carol singers per se! Listening to carols sung by a melodic choir can be quite uplifting. However, when you get a pubescant kid at your door singing ‘Silent Night’ when they only know the line “Silent Night, Holy Night”, which they sing over and over again is a tad irritating!

It’s even worse when they perform a song that’s not even a carol! I’m convinced the song one kid whistled at my door last year was ‘Bring Him Home’ from Les Miserables!

I’m not as miserable as I’m painting myself here, however I like to be entertained royally for the 75p I’m about to part with!

We’ve entered the month of kids being hyper from a combination of chocolate and the general excitement of celebrating what, some of them are taught, the festive season is about! ……… Getting the latest Xbox!

Adults, are equally as giddy as they quaff alcohol at office parties, in preparation of telling the boss what they’ve wanted to say to them all year, but didn’t dare to when sober! Things like “Do you use Harmony hairspray, Arthur?!” and “Do you know how Dundee cakes get their name?!”

Dundee Cake – You’d never guess how it got its name! Unless you guess it was because it originated in Dundee! ….. Errrrr then you have!

dundee cake

As the office parties get out of hand, Harvey in Accounts will get his face slapped for inappropriate behaviour during an impromptu office Hokey Cokey, by Mary from Sales. Meanwhile, in the Mailroom, George shows off his new tattoo present of a barcode, which when scanned at Tesco has him recorded as a bag of 99p King Edward potatoes!

I personally, don’t normally have an advent calendar but was sorely tempted to create a homemade Tourettes version this year. On the front of the calendar I thought I could have had a picture of legendary cursing chef, Gordon Ramsay.

Within the picture of Ramsay would be 24 doors, each containing a swear word or inappropriate phrase, to be opened one a day up until Christmas Eve.

If I had made it this morning I wouldn’t have needed any inspiration for 24 curse words, as I spent 3 hours sat in front of 3 different computer screens in a queue to buy tickets to see the singer Adele.

In particular, a naughty word that rhymes with duck was utilised by myself on an inordinate number of occasions!

3 screen

One of the reasons I queued for so long was my wifem Karen, was particularly keen to see the London born performer in a live show. As Adele’s tour coincides with her 50th birthday, I thought it would make an ideal present. All the waiting was worth it, though, when I managed to secure her a ticket!

She was delighted that she will now get to see her favourite singer, in Manchester in Spring next year. So much so she rang her mum and screamed “I’ve got an Adele ticket mum!” at the top of her voice.

However, her mum couldn’t hear her as she didn’t have her hearing aids in. She saves them for best apparently, so if you ever need to chat to her I’d leave it until she is out socialising, or alternatively write down what you want to convey to her!

Karen shouted so loud that, although her mum couldn’t hear her, everyone in a half mile radius of our house is now aware of her forthcoming gig attendance! All that is, apart from Jimmy at number 103, who is in Saudi Arabia removing reindeer mange!

Jimmy with a newly mange free reindeer!


Right I best get off as I’ve been sat on this laptop all day either queuing for tickets or writing. Additionally, I need to text Jimmy in Saudi to tell him about Karen’s exciting ticket news and ask him if he can recommend effective mange removal lotions!


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