I was interested to learn it was World Naked Gardening Day last week. I’ve not undertaken any real research on the matter, but I’d venture this celebration isn’t openly embraced by this sceptred isle’s gardeners. Us ordinarily reserved Brits leaving that sort of exhibitionism to individuals from more uninhibited countries.
Incidentally, when I write ‘I’ve not undertaken any real research..’, I of course mean I’ve not done any research!
In 2023, on the one occasion I did partake in this naturist clambake, I learned the hard way it was also World Arrested For Indecent Exposure Day. A harsh lesson learned when visiting a local garden centre in the buff. Unbeknown to me, this horticultural celebration only covered nudity in the privacy of your own garden. Evidently, and to my cost, the Holly Berry Garden Centre’s dress code still demanded the wearing of clothing.
My shame exacerbated further by foolishly undertaking the naturist act of buying grass fertiliser during a cold May day. Experienced gardeners advise one should avoid exposing bedding plants to temperatures of below 10 degrees Celsius. An advocacy which I can testify is equally relevant to unclad male genitalia.
Footnote – Quite obviously, the above prose relating to my arrest for indecent exposure on that World Naked Gardening Day is fictional… Only, though because the rozzers never caught me; I legged it out of the garden centre toilet window and, as I write, remain a fugitive from justice.
That year, the following Saturday provided far more appropriate weather conditions for gardening in the buff. An almost unbroken spell of sunshine making it a beautiful day to diminish my gardening ‘To Do List’.
The chilly climes of 2023’s World Naked Gardening Day made tending my peony rose a no-go … One thing is for sure, no unclad peonies would have risen in those temps… And yes that was a euphemism.
God only knows how many gardening naturists take up this opportunity of pruning with your prunes in sight (well, in male cases anyhow). If truth be told, I can’t say I’ve ever seen anyone garden in the raw, apart from on the internet… A word of warning, you have to be careful what links you open up after googling ‘huge fertile bulbs’.
On the topic of horticulture, I’ve been upgrading sections of my buddy Sarah’s rear garden… Not a euphemism.
These tasks include my staining of timber, installation of fence lights, along with populating pots with gloriously achromatic flora and fauna. However, these improvements aren’t just the result of my hard work. Over the previous week Sarah’s also produced sterling support by frequently pointing at fence panels to advise “You’ve missed a bit, you slack get!“
Sadly, a dicky tummy stopped her assisting me with the weekends garden maintenance. Irked at this development, my fragrant chum bore a face like a slapped arse. And with her endless visits to the loo, most possibly an arse like a slapped face.
So what’s the point of World Naked Gardening Day? Why on earth would anyone wanna risk getting soil, or perhaps an overly inquisitive insect, stuck in their flue or posterior in the name of horticultural maintenance? And more importantly, without clothes on, where would you store your trowel?
As much as I enjoy gardening, especially now as I’m retired and can potter around the yard at a leisurely pace, there’s no chance you’d see me tend the borders with my bosker browns resting on some poor unsuspecting shrub. I’d hate to traumatise my much-loved plants with such reckless exhibitionism.
I’m up for a laugh as much as the next guy; unless of course the next guy isn’t up for a laugh. However, believe it to not, I do have some boundaries; one of them being not to stroll outdoors bollock naked.
I’ll leave the nude hedge trimming (not a euphemism), clothes-less planting (not a euphemism either) and bulb tendering (a euphemism) to the exhibitionists among the gardening fraternity… I beg you though, as an A&E nurses job is stressful enough, watch out for those thorns!!
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