The Explorers

Afternoon on the last Tuesday of March 2024 – Two intrepid brothers set off in a campervan into the unknown. Forecasts of cold temperatures and unforgiving precipitation not deterring the latter-day Scott and Shackleton from embarking on their voyage north. 

And why would upcoming intemperate weather dent their fortitude; after all, they had a furry hat. Only one, mind you, bu headwear they would share over the duration of their odyssey. The elder sibling (Gary) wearing the hat for the first thirty minutes of every hour, the younger by two years (Ian) adorning it for the final half hour.

With Ian being balder than his brother you’d have thought Gary may have given Ian forty minutes in the hour, affording himself just twenty. However, the ordinarily humane GJ Strachan vetoed that idea on Tuesday evening due to him being “Bloody freezing!”

Their destination a motorhome park in outer Acklington, Northumberland. The quaint village, home to a railway station, a pub and campsite, taking its name from the Viking term ‘Bring your furry hat’.

Upon reaching base camp the initial exploration party of brothers pitched up; readying the site for Wednesday when they were to be joined by two equally intrepid explorers, The groups itinerary including important research, such as would Ian start drinking campervan anti-freeze if they ran out of wine.

While pitching up, the latter-day Scott and Shackleton morphed into the Chuckle Brothers. The half hour erecting the awning undertaken with such outlandish farce even Brian Rix would deem it overly fantastical.

Attaching the bivouac to the vans Kadar rail taking three attempts. The first rethink required after realisation the awning was upside down. Failure to abort at that stage would have meant the tent inflating in a cup shape.

Once the awning stood loud and proud, it was time for the Strachan boys to move the accessories from the van into the tented area. Ian’s well-meaning but clumsy style leading to the destruction of a door catch, Resultant from recklessly yanking the flap when retrieving an extension cable.

Not only did the brothers take turns sharing the furry hat, a packing oversight leaving them with just one chair. Consequently, the first evening spent alternating between perching on a seat and awning floor… A message from base camp to Darrin resolved the seating conundrum upon his next day arrival.

Tuesday evenings forecast of heavy rain and a drop in temperatures meant cold and wet conditions outside. However, the presence of an awning heater, a waterproof bivouac, along with beer, wine, and an agreeable music playlist piping through a blue tooth speaker, ensured the Strachan lads enjoyed a cosy evening.

Wednesday morning saw the arrival of Darrin in his campervan. The Gateshead lad accompanied by his adorable dogs George and Asha. The former a labrador, the energetic latter a gundog… Upon meeting Asha, Gary pondered if they got the name gundog because they retrieve game during shoots, or from moving at such speed it appeared they have been shot from one!

Upon seeing George, Ian recounted a recent welcome afforded him by the labrador when his excited greeting almost knocked him down a flight of stairs. An incident that put a stop to the younger Strachan eccentrically visiting Darrin’s home dressed in his Pedigree Chum fancy dress outfit.

With Tim working until mid-afternoon, Wednesday lunchtime saw the party of three men and two pooches head to Amble on the North Sea coast.

Here they dined on a splendid fish and chip dinner and soda drinks. Darrin regaling his fellow explorers with how his arms are now two feet longer from endeavouring to restrain the relentlessly active Asha from running somewhere a lightning speed. 

As the party had so far spent the day in Acklington and Amble, they felt it would be rude not to visit a third Northumberland town beginning with ‘A’. An alliteration itinerary seeing them head to Alnmouth. A Viking name meaning ‘If you ever walk along our beach, Gary, make sure you take your coat, you silly sod’.

Here Asha and George played on the beach. The former chasing an orange ball at speeds reaching MACH2. Even his paddling in the North Sea not appearing to impair furry face’s Duracell batteries. 

At one juncture, these frolics seeing a fearsome clash of heads between the two beautiful canines. George temporarily shaken by the impact. Unfazed by the incident, though, the little fella continued to pass his human companions in a blur.

Late afternoon, and a return to base camp saw the arrival of the fourth party member. Tim waiting for his fellow explorers (human and canine) on a table adjacent to Gary’s campervan.

The last team member to arrive greeted enthusiastically by the furry four-legged members of the party. The Northumberland based fella unwittingly making the same Pedigree Chum fancy dress outfit faux pas as Ian a few weeks back.

Early evening saw the party brave the elements… Well, sporadic sunshine to be more candid. The four guys, two dogs and one furry hat venturing on a massive odyssey of 30 metres to the Railway Inn pub. 

Here they appraised their voyage thus far with a fine ale and good food. George and Asha soon learning Gary was a soft touch when it comes to relieving him of food. Not taking long to suss all it takes to fleece him out of his grub was making eye contact. Throw in a bit of the sad eye treatment and he was putty in their paws. Consequently, part of my steak ciabatta topped up their daily scran Darrin had fed them earlier.

During the fireside conversations in the pleasant hostelry, the party discussed their claim to fames… Well, the lads did; the dogs didn’t have a great deal of input with that topic of conversation… Or indeed any conversation… Boring so and sos. 

Gary relayed the story of how his estranged wife basks in the glory of her English teacher once bumping into actress Judi Dench. A gambit which trumps his claim to fame of having an estranged wife whose English teacher once bumping into actress Judi Dench.

Darrin could not decide whether his claim to fame should be the last person to score a penalty at Sunderland’s Roker Park during a charity event, or that he once used the same shoehorn as ex-Newcastle United footballer Alan Shoulder at a Metro Centre shoe store.

Ian shamelessly boasted his claim to fame was knowing that Angel of the North designer Anthony Gormley wasn’t related to 1970’s National Union Mineworkers leader Joe Gormley… Or at least he doesn’t think he is.

Tim, like Ian a prolific songwriter during his time, claimed Tina Turner once heard one of his songs. I am led to believe it was a little ditty he penned called ‘Simply the Best’.

Ian, Darrin, and Gary spent some time endeavouring to pimp themselves out to undertake gardening work for Tim’s horticultural business. The three explorers endeavouring to top up their retirement income, offering Timothy access to their vast combined knowledge on the topic of soil science.

However, Tim, who has known the other three chaps for decades, is no fool. Realising the trio were more Tithead than Titchmarsh, he politely pushed back on the employment proposal… Even Ian’s promise to study for a BTEC in Trowel Management was unable to sell the gig.

At around 8pm the group returned the 30 metres to base camp. Here with the heater negating the northeast chill, the awning was graced by a Bluetooth speaker soundscape of old songs from Tim, Ian, Darrin, and other band members they’ve performed with.

These refrains collaborations from as far back as the early 1980s. Solo and band performances, predominantly their own compositions, with the odd cover version. Darrin’s reworking of Billy Joel’s ‘Just the Way You Are’ among the latter.

Among many memorable musical memories, a drumming solo by Tim, Ian and Darrin’s former drummer Jeff Patterson. A wild Keith Moonesque effort belaying the mild-mannered fellow’s temperament.

Although, most un-Moonlike, like the late stickman for The Who, Jeff did once drive a Rolls Royce into a swimming pool… God only knows how he got the vehicle through Birtley Baths’ front doors!… Or, indeed, where he got the Roller from!

Anyhow, except for not finding out if Ian would drink the campervan anti-freeze if wine stocks had dried up, it was a successful voyage the trinity of Northumberland towns beginning with ‘A’. 

Upon bidding each other farewell, the party agreed it was onwards and upwards to the next exploration.