“They seek him here, they seek him there
Those Frenchies seek him everywhere
Is he in heaven or is he in hell?
That damned elusive Pimpernel.”
This morning, following a mystifying episode while walking the dogs (who I affectionately dub the Avashight twins), the above words from Dame Emma Orczy’s novel The Scarlet Pimpernel made an unscheduled visit within my cranial database.
The tarry of these words from my unconscious to conscious mind consequential of an episode which mystified, and continues to baffle, this unpredictable middle-aged fella from Wakefield manor.
This mystery wrapped within an enigma occurring at around 8.45 am when the smaller of the twins (who I’ll call Avashight The Smaller) pooped on the edge of the local park’s grass area. An action leading me to retrieve a pooh bag from my shorts pocket for the purpose of scooping up the faeces, in preparation to deposit in a nearby bin.
To add context to this tale, I should point out the park’s grass area enjoys a scenic woodland periphery. This miniature forest domain not only augmenting this green fields aesthetics, but also providing a place the Avashight twins love to explore.
Actually, calling it a green field is a bit of a misnomer. Particularly since recent council woodland maintenance has enveloped the park’s turfed areas with dead brown leaves. This changing its aspect from a predominantly emerald canvas into a camouflage jacket-like appearance.
Returning back to the story…… After Avashight The Smaller had ‘ad a s***e, with pooh bag in my hand, I was about to walk towards the pungent target (that’s the poop not the dog) when I was distracted by Avashight The Larger. The German Shepherd arriving in my close proximity to show me a stick she’d retrieved from the nearby wooded area.
Turning to my left, I smiled at her and said something uninspiring like “That’s a good stick.”…. Yes, yours truly knows I need to up my game when it comes to proffering canine plaudits!
Anyhow, on turning back to carry out poop scooping duties, Avashight The Smaller had left the ‘scene of crime’ and had darted into the woods. So I headed towards where I thought the unpleasant object lay.
After a short 10-20 metre walk to Pooh Ground Zero, with Avashight The Larger tagging along at my heels, I became alarmed to see the payload had been dropped within a covering of leaves; light brown of colour.
What followed was the sight of yours truly spending 10 minutes treading tentatively around the area as though crossing a Ypres minefield in WWI. These dead fronds performing a master class at dog faeces camouflage.
Not only were there concerns I’d tread in the clandestine foul-smelling target, but also that Avashight The Larger (who was immediately adjacent) may stand where people who want clean footwear fear to tread.
In the end, after scouring a ten metre square area of the park, where I’d absolutely no success at locating the concealed poop, the mission had to be abandoned. Something, as someone who hates it when owners don’t pick up after their dogs, I’m appalled at myself for. That being said, this decision wasn’t taken lightly.
It was an absolute mystery what’d happened to Avashight The Smaller’s s***e. I’d scoured the same ten metre area numerous times over a period of several minutes and it was nowhere to be seen!
I pondered what might’ve transpired to make this poop disappear so mysteriously. Had Deano (Avashight The Smaller) took his waste into the woods?…… As he’d never picked up after himself before, a theory I swiftly dismissed.
Had aliens taken it?….. And, if they had, why?….. Well, I saw no evidence of a space ship landing in Moor Knoll park as the incident played out. Sure Zella (Avashight The Larger) had distracted my gaze from the ‘crime scene’ when bringing the stick; however, that particular sideshow only received a cursory minutes attention….. Not nearly long enough for Martians to pull off the ruse unnoticed.
All I can surmise is, during the short time my gaze was averted, Deano had squatted and was unable to fulfil the intended task; upon learning this dashing into the woodland.
“He seeks it here, he seeks it there
That Strachan seeks it everywhere
Is it in heaven or is it in hell?
That damned elusive Poopernel.”