A Barking Notion

My rap sheet for absurd notions is a pretty lengthy tome. From faking Dan Brown’s signature on the ‘Da Vinci Code’ book I bought my wife for her 40th birthday to falling asleep in a wardrobe after a prank misfired badly, the level of self-indulgent silliness I display is relatively high on the Vic Reeves Absurdity Scale.

Footnote – For the uninitiated The Vic Reeves Absurdity Scale affords a score between 1-10 to how silly a person’s behaviour plays out at any given time. One being the least silly and bizarrely, but perhaps unsurprisingly, six for the most silly.

Decreeing my thoughts maybe deemed madness by most, for decades this frivolousness was mainly masked. My worries it may impact my once clamour for acceptance leading me down a path called ‘It’s better to appear a fool, than to open one’s mouth and remove all doubt’. A suppression of thought that as I got older became a real millstone around my neck.

In middle-age, mainly because I no longer give a s**t what people think of me, I’ve learned to love the silly notions which oft cross my mind – And most importantly (to me anyhow) yours truly has absolutely no qualms about sharing these frivolous epiphanies.

If people think they too ludicrous, deeming me a nonsensical buffoon, I no longer see that as my issue. I certainly won’t be admonishing myself for expressing the more absurd notions which tarry my neurological corridors. After all, worrying what others think of me landed me into a ditch which frivolity went a long way towards dragging me out of.

With all of the above in mind, I want to share with you what is perhaps the most ridiculous epiphany I’ve ever had; this idea crossing my mind at around 5am this morning while laying victim to another sleep deprived episode. This notion making making me belly laugh at it’s sheer absurdity when popping into my mind.

This idea was when greeted friends, or even new acquaintances, for yours truly to reach into my trouser pocket to retrieve a plastic false moustache, which I’d then offer to a stunned individual in association with the mischievous inquiry “Do you want a moustache?”

Despite knowing this idea was utterly ludicrous, after I finished the belly laugh manifesting from such idiocy, at 5.10am I logged onto my Amazon account and immediately purchased a pack of 12 black plastic tashs for £3.99.

Once they arrive on Tuesday, only time will tell whether I follow through with this offbeat ploy. Sure, I’d get some disapproving looks from indulging in such silliness, however my gut feeling is lots of people would find this quirky greeting funny.

Of course, they’re bound to find it extremely odd, but I’d venture the gesture would make many smile. I’d certainly laugh as uproariously as when thinking of the notion at 5am if afforded this idiosyncratic gift upon rendezvousing with a friend/acquaintance.

Whether I offer one of these plastic gifts to my little Labrador/retriever Coco next time I see her remains to be seen. Yours truly strongly suspecting that unless I wrap the trinket in a slice of ham it’d hold little interest for her – And I’m pretty certain she’d not allow me to adhere the task to her beautiful face.

If I tried that no doubt she’d be barking at my barking idea……. Incidentally, does anyone want a moustache?!

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