Gary Strachan – "Write" Said Fred

Partly fictional chronicles of whimsy

Filling In The Blanks

Friday 11th May – When I woke I’d not much planned for my day. Conspicuous by it’s presence, the white space from my old school paper diary forlornly stared back at me – It’s chaste pages bereft of itinerary.

As it was, my morning was anything but empty. If it had been pre-planned in my diary, Friday’s loose leaf would have journalled my morning something like this:-

  • 9am – Commence writing blog.
  • 9.15am – Make a disparaging remark to my wife about the trivial tat on the Lorraine Kelly show she’s watching.
  • 9.20am – Dash for TV remote to turn off The Jeremy Kyle Show. Accompany action with the habitual statement “I’m not watching this s***e!”
  • 9.37am – During a spell of writers block look out onto my back garden for inspiration. If you see a blackbird write about blackbirds; If see a elephant you’re still asleep; and if you see next door’s cat defecating in the kaleidoscopic borders run outside and throw the laptop at it.
  • 9.40am – Pick up the pieces of the laptop you idiotically threw at next doors cat.
  • 10am – Drive to Frank’s Laptop & Kettle Repair Store in Crossgates to seek advice on chances of saving the stricken computer device.
  • 10.03am – On hearing from Frank that the laptop is beyond repair, in your frustration subject him to a barrage of brisk language. In particular, inform him it would make more business sense to be less specific about the electrical appliances he’s prepared to fix. Ensure Frank attains the well-meaning advice of his need to extend his skillset beyond laptop and kettles repair.
  • 10.05am – Pick up pieces of stricken laptop which Frank threw at you for questioning his business acumen.
  • 10.20am – Once back at casa Strachan, dig out old laptop to enable completion of your daily blog.
  • 10.30am – Attempt to avoid responding confrontationally when wife (Karen) asks why the new laptop is in pieces. Particularly, after her comment of “You’ve not done something stupid like thrown it a cat defecating in the border, have you?!”
  • 10.34am – React confrontationally when Karen suggests “Take it to Frank’s in Crossgates, I’m sure he’ll be able to fix it…….. Oh and, while you’re there, can you see if he can get the dints out of the kettle you threw at the cat yesterday!!”
  • 10.52am – Sheepishly enter Frank’s shop and ask if he can repair the kettle dints. He doesn’t speak in response, just throws kettle at me.
  • 11.00am – Get home with kettle which now adorns an addition large dint. Karen not happy her expensive kettle bears a further indentation in the shape of my forehead.
  • 11.07am – Load old laptop. Delay writing blog while you order 100 bespoke t-shirts bearing the wording ‘Frank is a cantankerous T**t’, ‘Frank’s Laptop & Kettle Repairer in Crossgates Produces Shoddy Workmanship’ and ‘What Sort Of Electrical Engineer Can’t Fix a Toaster?’.
  • 11.25am – Restart blog on old laptop.
  • 11.31am – Shout the word “B*ll***s” frustratedly as old laptop’s battery dies and I’m unable to locate the adaptor to re-charge it…… If writing outside make any exclamation of brisk language significantly quieter.
  • 11.48am – Read note ‘Can you refrain from shouting b*ll***s at the top of your voice, it frightens my cat!’, which has just been posted through my letterbox.
  • 11.50am – Karen interrupts my writing flow to ask if I’d run her to the White Rose Shopping Centre to buy a new kettle……. Frustrated, hurl your old laptop into the back garden.
  • 11.55am – Add a new laptop to the White Rose shopping list.

Disclaimer – Please be aware this is a fictional narrative. If by any chance there is a Frank who owns a shop in Crossgates that only repairs laptops and kettles, my references to him are purely coincidental…… Also Frank, if I bring in a dinted kettle and two fragmented laptops could you please give me a quote to fix them!

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Categories: Blogs, fiction, humour, parody

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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