Devil in Carnation

Tuesday 10th April – Today’s ‘to do’ list includes applying another coat of emulsion, along with the woodwork glossing in the master bedroom.

Yesterday, I put the inaugural coat of Dulux’s Natural Calico onto the chambre walls. A neutral dark cream colour with its roots in magnolia shadings, it’s a step up elegance wise from the previous covering of Paintland’s Naturist Butt Cheeks – A singed skin colour with a hint of brown.

Prior to commencing the decorating, my wife Karen requested I apply two coats of Natural Calico. Her motive, ensuring there was no visible trace of what she’d retrospectively deemed as the cosmetically awful previous shade.

I’d only intended to put one coat of emulsion on the chamber’s partitions, leading to an attempt to misleadingly re-assuring her one covering would suffice. Subsequently, the following verbal exchange took place:-

Me – “It doesn’t need two coats, Karen.”

Karen – “How do you know? You’ve no way of knowing how well the first coat will cover that rancid Naturist Butt Cheeks colour you got on the cheap.”

Me (without thinking it through) – “Errrrrr ……… Craig Craigson told me!”

Karen (suspiciously) – “Who’s he?”

Me (sheepishly) – “A mate of our Ian’s.”

Karen – “Is he a decorator?”

Me (uneasily) – “Erm….. No!”

Karen (puzzled) – “Well how would he know. Has he used one coat of Natural Carico to cover Naturist Butt Cheeks?”

Me (floundering) – “He might have done.”

Karen (suspiciously) – “He might have done!!…. So you’ve absolutely no idea if Craig Craigson has the training, or indeed the life experience to back the advice he advocates?!”

Me (digging myself deeper) – “He’s very clever!!”

Karen (disparagingly) – “Actor/Writer Stephen Fry’s incredibly clever, but I’d be surprised if he knew the covering qualities of Dulux Natural Carico over a darker base.”

Me (idiotically not letting this conversation or indeed the untruths peter out) – “He does…… Errrrrrrr, last year Craig Craigson and him collaborated on the book “Covering A Naturist’s Butt Cheeks!”

Karen (suspiciously) – “Did they really?”

Me (knowing the game was up) – “Erm….. No!”

Karen (smelling blood) – “Does Craig Craigson even exist?”

Me (continuing to fold under the pressure) – “Erm….. No!”

Karen (smugly) – “So are you gonna give the walls in the master bedroom two coats, then?”

Me (begrudgingly) – “I suppose so.”

Despite thirty years of marriage it still appears I’ve much to learn about effectively dealing with my missus’ attempts to control situations. All I seem to have sussed on this three decade odyssey is responding “Will I balls!….. you do it!” to spousal requests tends to raise the DEFCON level a notch in the Strachan residence……. I’ve arrived at the conclusion Henry Kissinger book’s don’t always give the most effective conciliatory advice.

I’d love to possess the wherewithal to deal effectively with Karen’s controlling nature. My spouse’s desire to act as project manager on any domestic task lacking the endearing qualities of, say, her penchant for mixing metaphors.

The mixing of idioms/metaphors, a whimsical foible my idiosyncratic missus occasionally throws into the conversational mix. An eccentric tick that, during a disagreement about her parent’s humanity in the face of Karen’s cancer diagnosis, led to my spouse labelling me the ‘Devil in Carnation’.

I think she meant to accuse me of being the ‘Devil Incarnate’. Anyway, a self-indulgent Beelzebub doesn’t strike me as someone who’d countenance bathing in the cheaper sterilised cream manufactured by Carnation. I’d proffer he’s more a double cream beast

Right, I’m concluding this yarn to double-check the two coats of dried Natural Carico emulsion does cover the Naturist Butt Cheeks.

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