Character Assassination by Parrot

Over the past few days I’ve received numerous accusations of being a cynic. This has led me to the conclusion that either a) I need to address my behaviour, or b) get rid of the talking parrot Karen bought on Saturday!

The bloody thing repeats everything she says. It’s even started giving me flaming chores to do! Karen won’t admit it, however I’m convinced she bought it for the sole purpose of ensuring there is someone to nag me even when she’s out.

Karen’s imaginatively called the parrot Polly, even though I think it’s a male. I’m not one for staring at avian genitals (or indeed anyone’s), however, if it’s not a male it’s storing a peperami to eat for lunch later!

As I said above, it repeats nearly everything Karen says. The only words Polly has uttered through its own volition was when it told me “Stop staring at my peperami, you weirdo!”

That is of course a tongue and cheek. In reality I don’t believe parrot and budgie genetalia are that visible. I don’t know how I know that, but I’m going go with that seed (no not budgie seed) in my mind, as I’m not googling it in the middle of a waiting room of an oncology unit.

There is no way I’m utilising a search engine to research ‘parrot todger size’……. I have a cousin who breeds these type of birds who’d know the definitive answer. However, there is no way I’m going to message her with a query about avian penis visibility! …… Best go with my instinct on this I reckon!

I don’t subscribe to Polly’s character assassination of me being cynical. Although, if truth be told, I’m getting used to this unwanted and unjustified criticism.

It’s the latest in the long line of vitriolic attacks on my approach to life. Last week Karen labelled me a misogynist…… I knew if I bought her that labelling machine she’d misuse it!

“I tell you what Polly, that bloke over there seems a right cynic!….. By the way, where did you get that Pepperami?”


One thing for sure is that if Polly doesn’t stop winding me up, very shortly Karen will be re-enacting the Monty Python dead parrot sketch. For those who aren’t familiar with that cult piece of Python writing, its about a dead parrot, it’s a sketch and it’s funny…… If any further details are required I’d recommend to YouTube it.

Karen and I have just had a waiting room discussion on the subject of her feathered purchase (Polly, not the duster she got from the butchers). She doesn’t understand my objections to having our home ‘graced’ by our tufty new family member.

She asked me what it was in particular that I disliked about Polly. After a brief ponder, I responded “It’s not big enough to roast for a full family dinner!…. Not to mention it’s put me off Pepperami for life!”

That being said, are Karen and Polly correct in their accusation of my cynicism?

To be honest, I’m cynical about it! ……. I mean if I was cynical, I’d be the type of bloke who’d indulge in petty squabbles with a caged Psittaciforme, overreact at my character flaws being highlighted, think ‘X-Factor’ was a glorified karaoke show, not to mention believing there was a conspiracy to cover up the JFK assassination……. Oh, hold on a minute I do all of those things!…. Polly must have a point, as well as a cracker.

Karen has just gone onto the ward for her treatment; leaving me in the waiting room looking outside at the glorious sunshine and planning this evenings bbq.

As I sit with Polly on my shoulder, listening to him picking holes in my spelling and grammar, I can’t help but wonder what marinade to use when I barbeque this flaming bird tonight!

Someone in a peperami fancy dress outfit; not a parrots penis!

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