Gardening In The Buff Day!

Not only is today (May 1st) ‘World Naked Gardening Day’, coincidentally it’s also ‘World Arrested For Indecent Exposure Day’. A harsh lesson learned this morning when visiting a local garden centre. Unbeknown to me, this horticultural celebration day’s protocols not covering the nude procurement of products from a garden centres.

My shame exacerbated further by foolishly undertaking the naturist act of buying grass fertiliser during a cold May day. Experienced gardeners advise one should avoid exposing bedding plants to temperatures of below 10 degrees celsius. An advocacy which I can testify is equally relevant to unclad male genitalia.

Footnote – Quite obviously, the above prose relating to my arrest for indecent exposure on ‘World Naked Gardening Day’ is fictional……. If truth be told, the rozzers never caught me; I legged it out of the garden centre toilet window and, as I write, remain a fugitive from justice.

Saturday would’ve been much more appropriate weather conditions for gardening in the buff. An almost unbroken spell of sunshine making it a beautiful day to diminish my gardening ‘To Do List’. As opposed to the chilly climes of today (Monday) which make tending the peony rose a no-go this bank holiday….. One thing is for sure, not many unclad peonies would rise in these temps.

God only knows how many gardening naturists take up this opportunity of pruning with your prunes in sight (well, in male cases anyhow). If truth be told, I can’t say I’ve ever seen anyone garden in the raw, apart from on TV.

On the topic of horticulture, I’ve been upgrading sections of my buddy Sarah’s rear garden. These tasks include my staining of timber, installation of fence lights, along with populating pots with gloriously achromatic flora and fauna.

However, these improvements aren’t resultant of my hard work. Over the previous week Sarah’s also produced sterling support with her own fence staining stints. In addition, affording me frequent ‘encouragement’ by pointing at fence panels and proffering “You’ve missed a bit, you slack get!

Sadly, a dicky tummy stopped her assisting me with the weekends garden maintenance. Irked at this development, my fragrant chum bore a face like a slapped arse. And with her endless visits to the loo, most possibly an arse like a slapped face.

So what’s the point of World Naked Gardening Day? Why on earth would anyone wanna risk getting soil, or perhaps an overly inquisitive insect, stuck in their flue or posterior in the name of horticultural maintenance? And more importantly, without clothes on, where would you store your trowel?

As much as I enjoy gardening, especially now as I’m retired and can potter around the yard at a leisurely pace, there’s little, if any, chance of seeing me tend my borders with bosker browns resting on a poor unsuspecting shrub. I’d hate to traumatise my much loved plants with such reckless exhibitionism.

I’m up for a laugh as much as the next guy, unless of course the next guy isn’t up for a laugh. However, believe it to not, I do have some boundaries; one of them being not to stroll outdoors while bollock naked.

I’ll leave the nude hedge trimming (not a euphemism), clothes-less planting (not a euphemism either) and bulb tendering (a euphemism) to the exhibitionists among the gardening fraternity.

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