Don’t Be Alarmed!

Ordinarily it’s a soothing soundscape borne from the iPhone on my bedside cabinet. An assuasive melody seeking to rise me from the recesses of slumber.

A tone playing out as the very anti-thesis of ear-piercing alarms of old which’d shock your night visions into submission, scaring you from your pit in bewilderment looking for a mallet to violently abate the din…… Well, it did me anyhow; although perhaps I’d a few anger management issues at the time!

This palliative harmony. easing me gently toward my kips denouement. Gently informing me, in the words of a chorus in an Anthony Newley and Leslie Bricusse refrain, “It’s a new dawn; It’s a new day; It’s a new life; For me; And I’m feeling good.”

Of course it isn’t always a new dawn, new day, new life and I’m feeling good, however any pre-first coffee of the day grumpiness can’t be pinned at my phone alarms door. Unless of course the device possessed wherewithal to wake me after making a coffee but steadfastly declined to undertake the task.

I’m pretty sure, though, even newer generations of iPhone, which succeed mine by several versions won’t have the wherewithal to wake me to the wonderful redolance of a bedside Americano coffee.

That being said, I’m not one who habitually keeps up to date with that there new-fangled technology. Consequently, perhaps there is a smart phone app which allows automatic presentation of a cuppa at reveille……. Who knows, perhaps someone like Hive may’ve developed functionality allowing phone linkage to your Tassimo, affording you a warm brew upon waking.

Irrespective of that, it has to be said my mobile devices alarm has just about the serenest ring tone I’ve experienced. It’s so sheepish in modulation I almost get the feeling it’s apologising for waking me from slumber. Seeming like it’s telling me, while metaphorically shaking me from REM, “Look Gaz, I’m sorry about this buddy, but you did say you wanted to be woken at 8am!”

Anyhow, this morning (approximately ten minutes prior to my 8’o’clock alarm) it was a sound of a less serene nature which brought me out of dormancy. This premature unscheduled alert an irritating rasping noise I concluded as similar to that of a leprechaun having unkempt toenails manicured by angle grinder.

Footnote – Incidentally, having never actually experiencing a background noise of a leprechaun having his nails shortened by angle grinder, my assertion is highly subjective. I also realise, in the face of you most probably not being party to such an episode either, this simile mightn’t be overly helpful to you….. Trust me though, it was unpleasant, rasping and loud enough to raise me from slumber.

Of course, as you’ll have no doubt already concluded, the cacophony awakening me wasn’t a leprechaun having his unkempt toenails manicured by angle grinder. Upon further investigation, ie getting out of bed and looking, it became clear the noise was canine sourced, not leprechaun made.

Yes, these audio soundbites coming via snores from my little buddy Deano, a Lhasa apso male who was sleeping on the landing in his dog basket. These exhalations emitted with such power and volume I wondered whether to create such a din his insides must outsize his diminutive frame. A la the spatial mysteries surrounding Dr Who’s tardis.

This morning’s experience hasn’t yet convinced me of the commercial value of manufacturing a Deano alarm clock. My idea that of producing a quirky bedside timepiece with a Lhasa apso shape whose bark halts buyers snores with the products own cacophonous snorting…… The idea has potential, but I’m gonna put that on the back burning until Dragon’s Den employ a panel who’re a little more carefree with investment capital.

Right, I’m off to read Deano and his sister Zella a story. It’ll be a less scary yarn than the ghost story I told them yesterday which, judging from the mountains of poop I’d to pick up yesterday, literally scared the s*** out of them!

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