Schooling A Snail

It won’t be the most exhilarating bulletin you’ll hear today, but later yours truly will be indulging in the potting of 20+ winter pansies….. Well, unless you really, really, really like yarns about the planting of wintertide bedding plans, in which case the news maybe brio manifesting…… Although, if it is the highlight of your day you need to get out more!

That being said, I maybe unselling myself. After all, even the most hardened of anti-winter pansy story critic, I may possess should remarkable descriptive and jocular writing qualities that I can bring to life the most turgid of viola tales. In the process painting a picture which springs from the page with the chromatic majesty of the aforementioned hardy pansies.

I guess the quality of a penman is judged from how entertaining, informative, insightful they make their paragraphs, regardless of how the topic itself grips the reader. You could make prose about anything interesting if the descriptive wherewithal and creativity allows. You could turn any unlikely tale, such as how you were training a snail to utilise the TV remote control, into a gem of a narrative if the creative want afforded.

Actually, that’s not a very good example. After all, training a snail to change channels for you would be a brilliant story and, I’d venture, grip the reader regardless of how well the author had performed. Such a story would raise all sorts of observations and questions by the readership. For example, I’d posit not being arsed to use the remote yourself would surely paint the gastropod owner’s actions as laziness personified.

Witnesses to such text would also surely opine the speed of a snail’s responses to the viewers demands would render the act pointless. Proffering such latent timescales for the station swapping would ensure doing it yourself was surely a preferrable option.

Consequently, training a snail to take control of the TV output (which I imagine is a huge investment from a teaching perspective) would be a misguided act, worsening the viewers experience, not augmenting it. Snails have many uses, such as eating mice, but it’s fair to say Head TV Channel Hopper for humans isn’t one.

Yes, I know snails don’t eat mice (I don’t think, anyhow) but as I couldn’t think what they did eat I chose to lie in the most absurd fashion…… Actually, that isn’t the most absurd fashion. Saying they eat elephants or hippos would’ve been significantly more absurd.

Actually, the more I think of it, I do know what snails eat….. My bloody bedding plants!….. I must remember to purchase slug/snail repellant pellets to negate that outcome.

“Flipping heck, Gaz…. I don’t wanna watch The Sopranos for the 8th time!”

Anyhow, where was I?…… Oh yes, how the prose subject doesn’t necessarily matter when endeavouring to make your literary work an interesting read. Hopefully, the fact I’ve written over two hundred words above relating to the pitfalls of attempting to teach a snail to utilise the TV remote, and the fact you’ve stayed with such hooey up until this juncture, highlights my point.

Then again, I’m assuming you’ve reached this part of the narrative because it was entertaining or enlightening your previously bored souls. For all I know you could think the previous sentences/paragraphs were a steaming pile of horse s***!

Hopefully you don’t though and enjoyed reading this ramble as much as I did writing it. A hour where I made myself chuckle and concluded that this was far better fun than working a proper job.

Anyhow, I need to bring this piece to a conclusion as I’ve got a bunch of winter pansies to plant….. Well, that’s if the bloody snails haven’t eaten them that is!

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