Collared at Last

This morning, I was reminded by a social media app that two years ago today I wrote the spoof new story below about my dad, who passed away in October 2017…… I miss the old man terribly – What I’d give today to see him squabbling with the Connie Club committee over subscription fee costs……………


Tingley Tribune                                   Friday 4th March 2016

Yesterday, there was a collective sigh the length and breadth of the village of East Ardsley after police finally caught up with local fugitive from justice Malcolm Strachan. The West Yorkshire pensioner on the run for non-payment of his annual £2 Conservative Club subs.

Before the arrest, police had advised the public not to approach Strachan, 560 (in dog years) who has a history of violence, doddering and walking around Sainsburys with his flies open.

Strachan (below) with his moll – “Who do you think you’re staring at?!”

strachan leaving station

The hard fisted Ardsley man was finally arrested in York with his moll and a mole late yesterday afternoon, following a tip off to a local constabulary.

Despite it being uncooperative and digging holes in its manicured lawn outside the station, North Yorkshire police later released the mole without charge. However, Strachan and his moll (who faces a perverting the course of justice charge) remain in custody.

East Ardsley’s most wanted man (if the women at the community centre’s coffee morning are to be believed) had been a fugitive from justice since refusing to pay the 2016 membership subs he owed; deeming them exorbitant.

This despite still openly boozing there on Sunday lunchtimes. His excuse to the long-suffering Conservative Club committee for non-payment being “You’ve put them up 50p from last year and my arse isn’t studded with diamonds!”

In what Strachan deemed as intransigence by the committee, the club secretary refused to compromise – This despite his moll confirming that the irascible Yorkshireman’s arse wasn’t studded with diamonds.

Consequently, membership subs weren’t paid and the Ardsley man went on the run. Friends claim it was a overly melodramatic reaction by the chap in his dotage. “A lot of fuss about nothing!” and “They should have just barred him until Mally coughed up!” just two of fellow club members thoughts.

The lack of willingness to compromise by the Conservative Club committee is believed to originate from the frequent problems Mally (as he’s known to people who call him Mally) had caused throughout his membership.

Only a few months ago Strachan allegedly caused committee unrest when he donated a prize to the Christmas Tombola that had passed its sell by date. His argument that he hadn’t realised the underpants had a sell by date held no water with disgruntled club leaders.

Last year the 79-year old caused an even bigger stir when he shouted “House” during a club bingo game, when in fact he still needed another number. A mischievous act that sent shock waves around the packed bar.

On the same night he had to be calmed down after he attempted to pick a fight with his reflection in the gents toilet mirror, after misguidedly thinking it accused him of ruining bingo night.

Strachan’s rap sheet also includes drug dealing in the club, where his supposedly covert distribution of Viagra is the worst kept secret in Wakefield.

As it’s believed, while in custody, the head of the Ardsley underworld has begrudgingly promised to pay the £2 subs he is expected to be released later today – Once he supplies the desk sergeant with a kilo of Viagra.

A spokesman for the Connie Club remained tight lipped about Mr Strachan’s case, other than to proffer “The subs were only £2! … The tight get!”

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