Oh, Simple Thing, Where Have You Gone?

I was introduced to the delights of the West Yorkshire town of Horbury for the first time on Saturday evening, A night cruising the Wakefield satellite borough seeing yours truly getting up to sing karaoke for the fourth time in two weeks.

This questionable piece of spontaneity seeing me warbling a version of Keane’s ‘Somewhere Only We Know’. A song whose chorus asks:-

“Oh, simple thing, where have you gone? 
I’m gettin’ old, and I need something to rely on 
So, tell me when you’re gonna let me in 
I’m gettin’ tired, and I need somewhere to begin.”

I’m unsure what the simple thing referenced in the first line is. However, as much as I’d like it to be an inquiry aimed at dimwitted Benny from Crossroads, I’d venture that won’t be the case.

In fact, not only will the chorus have nothing to do with the Brummy simpleton, I’d wager writers Tim Rice-Oxley, Tom Chapman and Richard Hughes won’t ever have penned a musical polemic relating to the now defunct soap opera.

During a spot of random research for this blog*** I stumbled across a 1980 song by actor Paul Henry (singing the refrain as the aforementioned Benny) called ‘Waiting at the Crossroads’.

*** – Yes, believe it or not, I research this bollocks!

I’m unsure who wrote the tepid love song (no one appears to want their name associated with this semi-melodic pap). However, as Rice-Oxley, Chapman and Hughes would call have been less than 5 years old at the time, it’s reasonable to assume it wasn’t their handiwork.

What can you say about this dreadfully saccharin offering. Well, other than the dog in the video must’ve been sedated to stop it running away from the wooly hatted nitwit. Or at the very least cocking it’s leg on him. Having appeared in this footage forever staining the mutts acting CV.

The scruffy canine no doubt envious Old Shep, Lassie and Beethoven were given such heroic roles, whereas he had to demean himself by being dragged into such piss poor video fare.

Some may find the above diatribe about Benjamin (as no one calls him) a bit on the harsh side. Positing that yours truly mocking someone for their lack of intelligence is a low blow, painting me as intolerant and lacking humanity.

I’d argue, though, that I’m only kidding. Not to mention, the target of my mirth is more the dreadful soundscape painted by Benny in this footage. I’d argue I’m not really scoffing at the fella whose neurological limitations are such he reads the cereal box upside down at the breakfast table.

On the contrary, I used to think the bloke with a green tea cosy on his head was a loveable character. Sadly, though, when my ears heard the above song, ‘Standing at the Crossroads’ not ‘Somewhere Only We Know’, it is hard not to err on the side of downright hatred.

Actually, hatred is a bit of a strong word… Yeah, contempt is probably a better way to describe my feelings after subjecting my eyes and lugs to this lukewarm musical tat.

I can’t be certain about many things in life, but after witnessing the above celluloid offering, yours truly can say without fear of contradiction my karaoke bucket list will never include ‘Waiting at the Crossroads’.

What the hell were you thinking of Benny lad?!