Spending so much time on my own of late has been a catalyst to me occasionally indulging in absurd faux conversations with my dog companions Deano and Zella. These sporadic episodes ordinarily playing out as I stroll past the little scamps while wandering chez Strachan’s soon to be sold chambers and gardens.
My pretend conversations ordinarily taking place with my words spoken in the hybrid Yorkshire/North Eastern dialect I usually employ. My furry chums chatter delivered in an accent similar to my estranged wife’s strong Geordie twang.
An example of these interactions being:-
Scene – GJ Strachan enters the living room from the hallway. Unshaved and dishevelled, his two dogs Deano and Zella afford him a pitying stare. A kind of look one reserves for a vagabond lain in a shop doorway prior to bequeathing them £1 for a cup of coffee.
GJ Strachan (politely) – “Good morning young man and young lady. How’s society treating you this fine day?”
Deano (Lhasa apso dog – Equally amiably) – “Morning, Gazza!….. Society’s treating us alreet. Wor share portfolio is booming and wor’s just read in The Guardian there’s an exciting development in efficacy for canine haemorrhoids.”
GJS (chirpily) – “That’s interesting….And what about you, Lady Zella of Gawthorpe?”
Zella (German Shepherd dog – In similarly good spirits) – “I’m alreet as well, Gaz….. Wor crypto coins are proving a sound investment and hopefully soon I won’t have to spend my day looking at that little sod’s (Deano) piles.”
GJS (contentedly) – “Well, hearing that news is a fantastic way to start the day!….. As I’ve always said ‘A happy dog means a happy home!”
Zella (a tad confrontationally) – “That’s a reet load of b*ll*cks, Gaz!….. Ye’ve never once said that!”
GJS (slightly taken aback with the bellicose nature of Zella’s proffering) – “Errrr…. I often think it though!”
Deano (seemingly keen on backing Zella’s observations) – “Yeah, but you divvant say that!…. Your words indicate you’ve always said it…. And Zells is right, you’ve never ever uttered those words.”
GJS (unhappy about being ganged up on) – “How do you know I’ve never said it?….. I might say it when I’m not with you two!”
Zella (unrelenting in her dissension) – “Well de ye?!”
GJS (sheepishly) “Errrrrr…… No.”
Zella (smugly) “Well there you gan then!…. I was right!…… Oh and by the way, why’ve we got Geordie accents when we’ve lived all wor lives in West Yorkshire?”
GJS (tersely) – “If I was you two, I’d be careful…… Have you never heard of the saying ‘Don’t bite the hand that feeds’?”
Deano (firmly) – “Neither of us has ever bitten you, Gaz!….. In fact you’re aboot the only person me in particular has never snapped at!”
GJS (patronisingly) – “Idiot….. I’m not accusing either of you of biting me….. I’m merely relaying an adage advocating you should be mindful how you treat somebody who feeds and shelters you…… Especially, if you want them to fork out for innovative dog haemorrhoid medication.“
Zella (unimpressed) – “Well it sounds a reet load of pompous old balls if you ask me.”
GJS (tetchily) – “I’m not asking you!…… You furry pooping machine!”
Zella (defensively) – “Don’t talk to me like that!….. What happened to your mantra of ‘A happy dog means a happy home!’?……. And why divvant ye tidy yerself up ya scruffy get!”
GJS (tersely) – “Well, as we’ve already established, I don’t say that!….. So you two can take your share and bitcoin portfolios and go find somewhere else to live!”
Zella and Deano (in unison) – “Titheed!!”