Only Tools &……

Upon departing my marital home in late 2019, wanting to avoid my estranged wife being bereft of DIY utensils I left my existing set for her to use going forward. Consequently meaning I’d cause to procure a brand new toolkit.

Not unsurprisingly, she didn’t thank me for this benevolence, Instead, in a fit of trademark ingratitude, deeming she’d more use for my original set of hammers, screwdrivers, spanners than me. In yet another attempt to re-write history, stating as I’d hardly ever undertaken any DIY work during our 30 years of matrimony, there was little point in me taking the kit.

A bizarre claim, leading me to conclude her impression was my numerous light fitting assemblies, switch and door handle replacements, curtain pole/mirror/picture erections, along with multiple instances of painting/decorating had been surreptitiously undertaken by elves – Similar to the plot in ‘The Elves & The Shoemaker’ fairytale…….. Not to be confused with ‘The Elves & The Schumacher’, which is a disparate tale of goblins aiding a down on his luck F1 driver.

Those knowing I’ve lived at my mum’s since leaving my east Leeds home of 31 years would no doubt question why I didn’t avoid the expense of purchasing new tools, instead merely utilising my late dad’s DIY appliances.

Well, sadly, in similar mysterious circumstances as who undertook the home improvements in my marital abode, upon moving here the tools were nowhere to be found. Like a treasured vinyl record of the 1972 FA Cup Final commentary, which went AWOL shortly after dad’s passing, they’d disappeared – Never to be seen again.

The solving of this riddle wrapped in an enigma wasn’t aided by my mum’s denial she’d given the set away to a friend or family member. Don’t get me wrong, even if she did bequeath my dad’s toolkit to someone, it’s none of my business. Everything my dad (Malcolm) left behind after the Grim Reaper’s unwelcome appearance was mater’s to give away if so desired.

I’m merely highlighting the items went in bizarre circumstances…… Perhaps the Grim Reaper stole them. The thieving black hooded villain deeming Malcolm no longer had a need for his saw, chisels and sander; as such, pilfering them to create a new wooden shaft for his scythe…… Who knows, and who cares!!….. Actually, I bloody care! it’s cost me a pretty penny to replace Mally’s toolset!

For the uninitiated, when writing ‘a pretty penny’ I mean the utensil replacement project has cost me a lot of money. Not that I’ve managed con B&Q out of a top of the range toolkit in exchange for a shiny, ethically pleasing coin of the realm.

Actually, if truth be told, the cost of rebuilding chez Strachan’s toolset could’ve been significantly more prohibitive if it hadn’t been for my good friend Samantha, who gifted me several items while packing in preparation for her house move. The Lancashire lass, who’ll shortly move to Wales, claiming she’d two of everything.

When saying she’d two of everything, I’m assuming she was referring to DIY appliances. She’s definitely only got one dog, one mortgage, one howitzer (it’s rough where she lives!) and one ‘One Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest’ DVD. Not to mention possessing many other things in isolation.

Anyhow, the reason I broached the subject of toolkits is because my first chore of today was to sort through the aforementioned items. My OCD compelling me to arrange them into alphabetical, size and colour order.

Some may deem this arrangement is compulsion gone mad. However I’d posit you’ll not be so disparaging when I locate my red, medium sized screwdriver in record time next time a DIY job dictates…… Oh, you will be!…… Blimey, tough audience!

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