Kane & Fable

Regular readers of my blogs may, or may not, be aware that I’m a regular listener to talkSport…… Actually, thinking about it, you don’t have to a regular reader to may or may not know…… It’s binary, so it goes without saying you either know or you don’t…….. Anyhow, in digress……

Listening to talkSport means GJ Strachan’s days are filled with a soundscape of broadcasters, comedians and ex-sportsmen informing him and the stations discerning audience of all things sport….. Well, not literary everything about sport; I mean there has to be an element of selectivity otherwise they’d be some really boring old crap on there.

So from reveille my day chugs along to the beat of Ali McCoist’s Caledonian sporting insight, Alan Brazil’s tips on how to get a head the size of a beach ball, Simon Jordan upping the station’s daily syllable level, Adrian Durham’s mischievously addictive s*** stirring and Paul Hawksbee pondering who the bloody hell will be partnering him in tomorrow’s show.

Of late comedy writer and consummate broadcaster Hawksbee, has been partly robbed of usual partner in crime Andy Jacobs (whose wife is recovering from a stroke). Subsequently, being paired with younger pretenders to the Hawksbee & Jacob’s throne in the shape of Max Rushden and Charlie Baker.

Both making the transition into understudying Jacobs with apparent ease. Maintaining humour levels and contributing to the shows eclectic soundbites. That being said, maybe they need to up the ante and introduce occasional displays of curmudgeonliness about Chelsea if they wish to properly mimic Andy Jacobs output.

Anyhow, the reason I’ve broached the topic of talkSport, in particular the Hawksbee & Jacobs/Rushden/Baker (delete where applicable) show, is the inspiration a Charlie Baker slip on Tuesday’s show provided as a blog topic.

This slip, for which Baker quickly held up his hands as incorrect, the Torquay United fan’s positing that England captain Harry Kane (HK) had won a trophy while on loan at Norwich. This gaff leading to him and Paul Hawksbee asking for listeners to send in further fictional snippets about HK.

Consequently, I thought an absurd ‘True or False’ quiz round with ridiculous catechisms related to the Spurs/England strikers existence would make a suitable subject for today’s narrative. Not to send into the show; but for me to publish on my website strachan.blog . The format similar to the idiosyncratic style seen in the 1990’s/2000’s quiz Shooting Stars.

All of these questions are quite clearly untrue; however I thought it’d raise the esprit levels of the piece if I pretended some were true….. The ‘answers’ are in bold.

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1) True of False – On a Scottish vacation, Harry Kane skimmed a stone the full length of Loch Lochmond. The stone returning back to him fifteen minutes later with two tickets for the musical ‘Les Miserables’? False

2) True of False – Prior to Tottenham’s 6-1 victory at Old Trafford in the 2020/21 season, Kane led out his side on horseback? True

3) True of False – According to a MORI poll, following England’s failure to win Euro 2020, Harry Kane’s popularity has waned to such an extent he’s now only the fourth most popular person nicknamed ‘H’ in Britain – Trailing behind the villain in ‘Line of Duty’, the blonde male singer in band Steps and my sister Helen? False

4) True of False – In talks with FIFA, Kane’s representatives are currently endeavouring to sell Harry’s concept of replacing penalty deciders in next years World Cup with captains jousting on horseback? True

5) True of False – Harry Kane seems to like riding on horseback? True

6) True of False – A huge lover of gummy bears, H’s guilty pleasure after training in a Haribo sandwich?….. Incidentally, that’s ‘H’ the England captain – Not the ‘Line of Duty’ villain, Steps singer, or my sister Helen. To the best of my knowledge that trinity of reprobates don’t train with Spurs, or, indeed, consume Haribo sandwiches. False

7) True of False – While on loan at Leyton Orient, Kane played the second half of a game wearing a Bernie Cliftonesque ostrich suit? True

8) True or False – Harry Kane is the only League One (or indeed any league) footballer to score in a game while pretending to be sat on an ostriches back? True

9) True of False – As it was his feet powering the ostrich, Kane was put out when the goal was attributed to the aforementioned Struthio? True

10) True or False – On the back of his performance when powered by the future England captain, Harry’s ostrich secured a three year contract at Marseille? False

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