Slugs, Snails & Unreliable Tales

Is it possible for humans to melt on blazing summer days? I’m asking for a friend who’s currently attempting to climb in their chest freezer; a strategy employed to mitigate against the possibility of evanesce.

I’ve just had a lukewarm shower to cool my body, along with dispensing with early morning perspiration which’d turned me into a walking water feature. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining about being in receipt of solar rays; at this moment in time, though, I’d give anything for my residence to possess air-conditioning.

Without cooling augmentation the chances of me attaining a comfortable temperature today is as remote as dipstick acquaintance of mine, Archie, gaining a place on the Eggheads quiz team.

Archie the chap famous for laughed uncontrollably at lightweight gag “Why are there no aspirins in the jungle?”; with punchline “Because the parrots eat em all” A quip he was later heard retelling with the concluding line of “Because the parrots ate all the f***ers!”

Earlier, while being cooked from rare to medium while sitting on a patio chair, in the distance I was intrigued to see a huge wood pigeon perched on the TV aerial of a neighbour. The bird, on taking off from the metal structure, bearing enough bulk for the aerial to sway back and forth with momentum. A scene leaving me with a mental vision of the home owner currently sat in his lounge cursing the erratic TV picture quality.


Yesterday evening, I sat outside enjoying a glass of vino in the prevailing warm clime with a buddy. As dusk drew in and day light decreased, as we chatted, I experienced a feeling similar to water drops dripping onto my ankle bone.

As it wasn’t raining I looked down at the impacted extremity area, endeavouring to identify the moisture’s source. A move identifying the root cause to be not dripping water, but slime from a slug making slow progress across my foot.

After removing the gastropod, and washing my foot with Uncle Harry Slug & Patio Heater Wipes, I was moved to check online if slugs can bite humans; and if so cause consequential malaise from this nibble.

Conscious other gastropods, such as leeches, can draw blood I was intrigued to understand if the slug could’ve extracted or infected my haemoglobin….. And if it can, what the hell does haemoglobin mean?!

Seriously, though, possessing many knowledge voids about these backbone-less garden critters, I wanted to check if the slug could remove blood, akin to leeches. Not so much for my benefit, moreover from concern the former foot dweller’s blood to alcohol level may necessitate checking into the mollusc equivalent of the Betty Ford Clinic.

Google search results gave a mixture of messages as to the dangers gastropods can cause humans. Some advocated there was a small risk and a subset said there’s no jeopardy to our species from slugs, Meanwhile, one seemingly less reliable site claimed I could contract leprosy and an urge to overpay for bedding plants from this foot inhabitance.

Only time will tell if I suffer consequential reaction from this slug’s temporary residence. The mollusc doesn’t appear to have come out of the event too well, though. This morning I caught it navigating the patio drunkenly slurring the song ‘Oops Upside Your Head’ and dispensing a trail of Pinot Grigio instead of slime!

To close, I wanted to talk about……… Oh, crap, my right foot has just dropped off!…… Which, as the slug landed on my left foot, is an utterly baffling episode!

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