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Would I Lie To You?!

Endeavouring to impart a little levity during these worrying times, I’ve mulled over various strategies in which I could maybe raise spirits amongst my readership, along with friends/followers on social media.

Among these notions the production of recordings, either by video or audio podcasts of some of my narratives. My hybrid Yorkshire/North East accent, and capricious acting skills being thrown out there for either friend or foe to pick over.

Who knows my decades of identity crisis and erratically delivered dialect may one day gain me positive accolades. as opposed to the bafflement on hearing my ambiguously orated cadence.

Anyhow, while procrastinating over a media channel vehicle when endeavouring to deliver cheer through times a less erudite acquaintance announced were “A right load of s***e!”, I enclose prose in the shape of lighthearted facts you may, or may not, know about me:-

1 – During an alcohol induced game of Hide & Seek, I fell asleep in a wardrobe.

2 – I’ve never been to Belgium….

3 – …… Unless you count the occasion I visited Bruges in 2011.

4 – For my wife’s 40th birthday I signed a copy of The Da Vinci Code book, fooling her into believing it was author Dan Brown’s mark.

5 – At the age of 17, I’d a three day trial at the MCC cricket school at Lords, London. During the six hours journey from Gateshead to London in my dad’s car, bereft of any other cassette tapes, I played Stevie Wonder’s album ‘Hotter Than July’ seven times on a loop.

6- When I got to London the Stevie Wonder tape mysteriously ended up in our hotel room bin!

7 – I once penned a narrative dubiously titled ‘Ken Barlow’s Horse’.

8 – While participating in board game ‘Question of Sport’ with work colleagues, I received the clue “It was on a horse!” to a question with the answer ‘3000 metre steeplechase’.

9 – When adorning my lucky socks, I’ve never been run over by the number 163 bus from Castleford to Leeds….Or, indeed any alternatively numbered omnibus!

10 – The fact above also applies when sporting my lucky undies!

11 – My dad, during a 1990’s part-time post retirement role as a careers advisor, told late three times Masters champion Paul Hunter his aspirations of being a professional snooker player were a pipe dream. Adding, it’d be a more sensible course of action for him to pursue an office job! Thankfully for the Leeds born snooker player he cocked a deaf ‘un at my old man’s advice!!

12 – My mum and dad once attended a garden party hosted by the Queen in the grounds of Buckingham Palace. During this tarry, my dad told Prince Phillip it’d be foolhardy for him to pursue a career in professional snooker…… Well, one out of two’s not bad!

13 – During a cricket game for Gateshead Fell cricket club around 1980, I dismissed ex-Sunderland footballer and 1973 FA Cup winner Ritchie Pitt. He a centre half  whose team  achieved the pot with a victory over my beloved Leeds United; a game where he kicked my childhood hero Allan Clarke up hill and down dale……….If Pitt hadn’t have been 6ft 3in and hard as nails, I’d have told him to “F*** off back to the pavilion, you lanky streak of p***!”, while passing me on the journey back to the changing rooms…. The fact I’m still in possession of my original front teeth, though, gives a good indication if I followed through with that notion!

14 – My brother Ian, during one of his more idiosyncratic moments, blew his microwave front door open when attempting to cook an egg in the appliance.

15 – After witnessing the gifts/cash received during the celebration ceremony, on viewing the Jack Rosenthal play ‘The Bar Mitzvah Boy’ on BBC TV in 1976, I’d brief designs on converting to Judaism. An aspiration I dropped after learning the local synagogue perform circumcisions with angle grinders!

Right, on that surreal note, I’m going to bring this narrative to a conclusion….. Keep safe folks!!


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