Gary Strachan – "Write" Said Fred

Off The Wall Essays From Deep Within A Capricious Mind

Rackety Woodpecker

Friday 13th April – The thud of a carpet fitter undertaking his trade currently resonates around casa Strachan. Fingers crossed the fact his work is being carried out on Friday 13th won’t lead to bad fortune, such as him inadvertently fitting the underlay on top of the carpet, as opposed to vice versa

I contemplated adding the adjective ‘unmistakeable’ prior to the word ‘thud’ at the start of the above paragraph. On reflection, though, realising the sporadic clattering from upstairs isn’t bespoke to the act of having a carpet laid, I refrained from utilising the inaccurate describing word.

What my ear drums are being ‘treated’ to are generic banging/thudding sound waves emanating from the depths of a first floor bedroom chamber. A synergy of non-specific clamour, this cacophony bears nothing in any shape or form that can be classed as a distinctive or unmistakeable tone.

Subsequently, if unaware a carpet was in the process of being fitted, I’d venture the noise from an unseen culprit could be the consequence any one of numerous sources. The following just a few of the many possibilities:-

  • A giant woodpecker pecking at the mahogany bedroom dressing table.
  • A giant woodpecker pecking at the mahogany bed surround.
  • A giant woodpecker pecking at the timber doorframes.
  • A giant woodpecker banging on the window to scare off the neighbourhood cats, mid fouling of my borders. 
  • A giant woodpecker being chased around the upstairs chambers by the neighbourhood cats.
  • A giant woodpecker watching the beach invasion at the start of the movie ‘Saving Private Ryan’.
  • A giant woodpecker banging on the room walls to tell my neighbours to turn down the volume of ‘Saving Private Ryan’ they’re watching next door.
  • A giant woodpecker practising it’s dance routine for the show ‘Riverdance’.
  • A giant woodpecker watching the start of the movie ‘Saving Private Ryan’, while  practising it’s dance routine for the show ‘Riverdance’.
  • A giant woodpecker sporadically pecking at the mahogany dressing table, while watching the start of the movie ‘Saving Private Ryan’ and intermittently practising it’s dance routine for the show ‘Riverdance’.
  • A giant woodpecker sporadically pecking at the mahogany dressing table/bed and door frames, while watching the start of the movie ‘Saving Private Ryan’ and intermittently practising it’s dance routine for the show ‘Riverdance’.
  • Something that isn’t giant woodpecker related.

woodpecker

To clarify, non giant woodpecker related sources of racket are available, especially if you have young kids and a giant bag of Haribo gummy bears. However, as my kids are now in adulthood (and have fled the nest) there’d be more chance of a cacophonous din upstairs being caused by Riverdancing wood pecking avians than a sugar fuelled child…… There’s a joke in there somewhere about my kids fleeing the nest and woodpeckers taking residence, but I can’t be bothered to think of it!

What learning point have I taken from today’s mercurial meanderings?……. Well for a start, if I want to maintain an air of serenity in casa Strachan, develop a robust strategy to keep those chuffing giant woodpeckers out…… Or, going forward, engage a quieter carpet fitter.

Categories: Blogs, family, fiction, humour, parody, Spoof News Stories

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  1. Unachievable Aspirations? – Gary Strachan – "Write" Said Fred

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