I am plagued by jawbone discomfort as I pen this narrative. A self-inflicted facial injury, the consequence of my long-term habit of grinding the mandible (lower bone) against the skull joint. 

As the act of grating the jaw makes me gurn, it’s a tick I thankfully only carry out in the privacy of my own home. Although, worryingly, my partner Sarah claims I have started undertaking this unattractive facial tic while out in the big wide world.

If she is telling me the truth, not indulging herself with one of her habitual dabbles with mischief, a development which concerns me. After all, exposing the public to these gross Les Dawson-esque facial contortions must be deeply unsettling for witnesses.

Who knows, if unaddressed, GJ Strachan’s grotesque face pulling may result in retail outlets insisting I shop outside peak consumer hours to avoid frightening shoppers. Or alternatively, insist I don an Elephant Man (John Merrick) type hood to mask this inherently unattractive sight.

There’s little use of have the ‘skill’ to gurn. Unless a latter day PT Barnum seeks my employ as a novelty acts – Introducing me thus:- “Roll up! Roll up!….. Come see the unfeasibly hirsute northern Englishman. A freak of nature who can turn his head inside out – Two extraordinary sights of the grotesque for the price of one!….. Errrrr, no madam, we don’t give Nectar points for the ticket price!”

This won’t be occurring anytime soon, though, as I seek not fame or fortune from being gawped at by prurient sideshow customers.

Hopefully, though, Brooky (as I call Sarah when I …errr call her Brooky) is winding me up and sights of my jaw grinding remain between me, her, God and the CCTV recording equipment she had recently installed. An indulgence to monitor whether her partner possessed any further clandestine habits of the abnormal……. Incidentally, do you think levitating while watching TV drama ‘Marcella’ be classed as abnormal?!

The soreness I alluded to above, manifesting from the socket where my jawbone rendezvous with my skull, isn’t currently being helped by my habitual grating of the area whilst penning this narrative.

Bar having my jaw wired up, I’m at a loss what strategy to undertake to rid myself of the grotesque foible. In my desperation for a solution, I’ve even enlisted the help of family members to identify a cure.

This intervention resulted in the following ‘helpful’ advice from my brood:-

Me (to Sarah, and my adult children Jonny and Rachel)) – “Right, now Sarah’s caught up watching Love Island, can any of you give a suggestion of how I can negate this jaw cracking?”

Sarah – “Distract yourself with your favourite things. Like raindrops on roses, whiskers on kittens, bright copper kettles and warm woollen mittens… By the way, Gary, stop levitating or I’ll turn Marcella off!”

My beau continuing – “You need to be stoic to beat this, Gary…… Climb every mountain, ford every stream, follow every rainbow, until you find your dream… Incidentally, will you run me to get my haircut next Thursday, Gaz?”

My son Jonny – “For a solution, let’s start at the very beginning. A very good place to start. When you read you begin with ABC, When you sing you begin with Do, Re, Mi, Do, Re, Mi…….. Blimey, are those clothes made from curtains, Dad?”

My daughter Rachel – “Perhaps you had a wicked childhood. Perhaps you had a miserable youth, but somewhere in your wicked, miserable youth there must have been a moment of truth…….. By the way, I thought you were winding me up when you told me you levitate when watching Marcella, Dad?”

Me (to everyone) – “I know your responses are well-meaning but have you any advice that is a) useful and b) not stolen lyrics from ‘Sound of Music’ songs?!”

Sarah, Jonny, and Rachel spent a few seconds exchanging furtive glances, before collectively replying “Erm, no”, Gary.”     

The intervention ended at that point and triggered by the unhelpful musical lyric advice during the meeting I start grinding my jaw.

Incidentally, if anyone has any advice that aren’t The Sound of Music lyric based give me a shout… So long farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, goodnight. Adieu; Adieu, Adieu to you and you and you.