The Venerable Cheese

Last week saw a two night tarry to a campsite near Berwick-upon-Tweed with my kid brother, Ian. Our camper van resting place affording its lucky visitors enchanting views of North Sea landscapes Lindisfarne, and further afield Bamburgh Castle.

Lindisfarne (aka as Holy Island) the tidal isle, with its links to 6th century monks Saint Cuthbert and Aidan’s tenure on this hallowed land, holding great significance fo Celtic Christianity.

The locale a three-four mile walk in low tide from our campsite… Or a three-four mile swim if you’re stupid enough to attempt the journey at high tide… As a precaution, I’d suggest packing water wings if you wish to mirror Ian and my trek!!

Holy Island also a boasts once housing The Venerable Bede. A Tyneside monk and writer who journaled the tales of Cuthbert’s term upon this holy ground. Writing scientific, historical and theological works, including the much lauded ‘100 Uses For Moss’ and ‘I Wish They’d Invent Watches So I Can Safely Visit The Mainland’.

The day Ian and I ventured across the sometime flooded causeway to Holy Island proved a memorable experience. Our kid, in particular, was in awe of the experience. The sights and sounds transporting him to a world of wonderment and calm rarely achieved without the assistance of three bottles of Pinot Grigio.

As we strolled the concrete road covered during high tide, he could barely conceal his excitement and desire to get to Lindisfarne. Especially after I told him our island destination had three pubs.

Despite our power walk target being to one of the most religiously and historically important islands in the UK, Ian and me chose more contemporary chatter topics to accompany the walking element of our trip.

Amongst the intentionally absurd banter was a contemplative exchange relating to the possibility that ‘H’ from 1990’s pop band Steps had ever visited Lindisfarne. We both concluded he most likely had done at some point in his life. Our consensus being there’s a possibility he was landlord at one of the Isles’ trinity of pubs.

Although, after further in-depth deliberation we decided ‘H’ wouldn’t have played a Northumbrian mein-host. After all, he wouldn’t need to work anymore. Especially when taking into account all the money he’s made from pop music; not to mention fees made from with his trademark initial being emblazoned on every helicopter pad globally.

Our kid and me also pondered over his choice of nickname. Particularly the enigma raised by choosing to be called ‘H’ when his real name is Ian Watkins. Both of us finding it hard to comprehend how the nickname ‘H’ manifested out of his original moniker.

Could it be pop’s favourite consonant had a problem with vowels. A phobia causing him to avoid encouraging people to address him with a pseudonym of ‘I’, which would more accurately reflect his name of Ian.

Perhaps he feels ‘H’ (the letter proceeding ‘I’ in the alphabet) sounds better. From the experience of shortening my brother Ian’s nickname, yours truly kinda gets why Steps’ Ian may be reticent to utilise his christian name in a naming convention process.

Although I’d like to think I’m pretty creative, I found obtaining a moniker shortening nickname for Ian very difficult when we were kids. With his name being pronounced E-an, as young kids I started calling him E…. This, because of his shock of white hair, evolving into Edam, onto Edam Cheese before I settling for Cheese as a title.

I wanted to make his new moniker official in a naming session, similar to scenes seen during ship naming ceremonies. However, our my mum didn’t want me to smash a ribbon clad bottle of champers off our kid’s bonce… And even if she had have approved of such reckless antics, champagne was an infrequent tenant in the Strachan larder; making the ceremony even more unlikely.

Anyhow, Cheese became the nickname which followed my brother through childhood, courtesy of his peers and even some teachers.

This a nome d’plume by which he is still widely addressed by many after half a century… Although, admittedly, these days I personally rarely call my younger sibling Cheese. Instead, reverting back to calling him ‘E’.

I would suggest ‘H’ from Steps is unlikely to rebrand his beloved single letter title to ‘E’, Edam cheese or Cheese. Why would he when he’s famous and happy with his current consonant… Additionally, with its ties to the recreational Ecstasy tablet, I’d suggest the entertainer’s management team would frown upon Ian Watkins utilising ‘E’ as stage name.

Yes, I had a great day out on Lindisfarne with The Venerable Cheese. A few hours which afforded us much laughter, history and cadging a lift of fellow tourists cos we couldn’t be arsed to walk the four miles back.

Ah, the joys of campervan life!