On wandering downstairs this morning I concluded prevailing temperatures to be pretty mild for this time of year. Looking out onto my garden, I’m assuming this warmer climate is a major factor in the lack of notable deciduous leaf fall. A sight leading to me suggest Fall appears reticent to drag its chromatic posterior from its pit to grasp the seasonal baton from summer.

Admittedly, there are a lot of assumptions in the pieces inaugural paragraph. For one I’ve not undertaken any thorough analysis into the UK’s late October temperature patterns. My conclusion made solely from experiencing recent temperatures, leading to a presumption “….prevailing temperatures are pretty mild for this time of year…”

If BBC weatherman John Kettley were to read this he may well posit “You’re talking out of your a**e, Gary….. This has been the third chilliest October dusk since the turn of the century….. Do your research you lazy bugger…. Oh, and when are you gonna return my Carpenter Greatest Hits cd, you hairy get!”

With these imagined words ringing in my ears, and with overt indifference about undertaking the suggested proper research, perhaps what I should have written in the inaugural prose was “The meteorological zeitgeist appears to be one that’s warmer than usual for early autumn…… However, I’ve no statistical information to back that up and as such my profferings are merely a gut feeling.“

There, is that better, Kettley?!…. You bearded Lancastrian doom mongering clever s***e!

Anyhow, after my clarification I’m hoping we’re all good and on the same page regarding recent UK temperatures….. What, you don’t agree Mrs Claridge in the West Midlands? Oh, I’d no idea you’ve had your central heating on since August.

Ok, then I’ll re-word the above to:- “The meteorological zeitgeist appears to be one that’s warmer than usual for early autumn…… However, I’ve no statistical information to back that up and as such my profferings are merely a gut feeling….. Although, apparently in Wolverhampton it’s been f***ing freezing since mid bloody summer.”

There, is that better, Mrs Claridge?…. You slack jawed West Midlander!

Right, hopefully now everyone knows Wolverhampton has been suffering its own ice age for almost three months I can concentrate on the job at hand, ie complete the penning of this journal….. What’s that Mr Penistone?….. Derby’s also been a bit chilly since a few weeks after the summer equinox.

Ok, so here we go again:- “The meteorological zeitgeist appears to be one that’s warmer than usual for early autumn…… However, I’ve no statistical information to back that up and as such my profferings are merely a gut feeling….. Although, apparently in Wolverhampton and Derby it’s been f***ing freezing since mid bloody summer.”

Happy now Mr Penistone, you “me duck” saying whiner?!

Right, so now I’ve placated Penistone (the man, not the whole town) I’ll get on with my prose….. Hold on a minute, Audrey Bone has just told me the weather in Burnley’s also been freezing the b*ll*cks off a brass monkey for weeks……

Oh, f*** this for a game of soldiers!