I’d a fractured slumber overnight; my disrupted sleep pattern proving as erratic as Mr Magoo’s driving skills. Falling asleep at 9pm, during an episode of Netflix drama ‘Unbelievable’, I woke around 12.40am disorientated, wondering why I was wearing a Scooby Doo fancy dress outfit.

Footnote – A fractured slumber isn’t to be confused with a fractured lumbar, which is a significantly more debilitating affliction.

Between 12.40am and 3am, I strove manfully, or Scooby Doofully, to return to the enigmatic land of nod. Yours truly attempting a raft strategies in an attempt to achieve this sleep aspiration. This including listening to a calming audiobook, along with the sound of heavy rainfall courtesy of DJ Grandmaster Apple Music.

As listening to the falling rain failed to calm my unsettled soul, it merely made me want to go pee, it was a strategy not employed for long.

The audiobook, Bill Bryson’s ‘A Short History of Nearly Everything’, which for a while was my overnight soundscape, isn’t a boring book by any means. In fact, the American-British author’s tome is a widely acclaimed and a fascinating read/listen.

That being said, despite his scientific observations being communicated in layman’s terms (to engage non-scientists like yours truly), they’re a bit heavy going for 2am in the morning. Ergo, concluding it may aid with my transition back into slumber, I fired up the aforementioned audiobook…… It didn’t….. On the plus side, though, I now know significantly more about Black Holes and the Big Bang than on climbing into bed.

Thankfully at around 3am I dozed off, briefly re-awakening at 6.30am, before my final reveille at 8.40am. As, at 2.50am, I was contemplating procuring a wooden mallet from the garage in a last ditch attempt to attain unconsciousness, GJ Strachan was relieved his return into slumber state a few minutes later without requirement for such excessive personal intervention.

As there was nothing overly troubling me during my period of insomnia, I can only conclude the reason for my bodies reluctance to return into a state of deep sleep was a consequence of drifting into unconsciousness at 9pm. The three hours and forty minutes of kipping following that refreshing me enough to spend the next two hours floundering to locate the land of nod.

Anyhow, in total I’ve managed to acquire around nine hours shuteye in all. More than enough to set me up for the day. As I’ve often advocated “Slumber thee good; Thine destiny will wait.” A philosophy about sleep which goes hand in hand with my other advocacy “Sleep and you shall find; Find and you shall sleep.“….. Both amateur adages suggesting without adequate rest fulfilling aspirations becomes a darned sight more arduous.

Incidentally, when stating I’ve often advocated “Slumber thee good, thine destiny will wait.”, I’m lying…. As with “Sleep and you shall find; Find and you shall sleep.”, I just made them both up a few minutes ago…… I have, though, oft dreamed of securing employment as a philosopher.

This dream manifesting after, in my teens, witnessing an advert in a local store window stating ‘Philosopher required. Must be of jolly disposition, know how to work a till and enjoy delivering newspapers. Apply within’. I applied for this role but failed the interview because of flat feet and the fact I didn’t own a bicycle…. Or so my interviewers claimed.

This rejection, though, never dinting my dream of one day joining the intelligentsia, whose advocacies shape and inspire so many. Mind you, it’s difficult getting a job as a philosopher. I mean it’s not like you see vacancies for the role plastered throughout the jobs pages of the local paper or employment agency websites.

Consequently, I’m unsure how to join this bunch of erudite know-alls who appear to recruit in a clandestine fashion. Maybe it’s like becoming a Freemason; you have to go through an initiation ceremony pledging allegiance to an all seeing, all knowing Grandmaster….. Like rapper and wordsmith Grandmaster Flash.

Anyhow, I’m bringing this prose to a conclusion, I need to send Mr Flash an email to ascertain the experience criteria required to become involved in this philosophy malarkey….. Well, after I’ve changed outta this Scooby Doo outfit, anyway.