Bereft of a topic, and eager to avoid yesterday’s random sojourn into an ill-advised diatribe on a subject I genuinely have no strong emotions, today I’m returning to pen in my usual jocular style.
Consequently, after the positive feedback from my narrative Would I Lie To You?! in which yours truly afforded my reader with whimsical snippets of personal information, which they most likely didn’t know, today I intend to adopt a similar format.
So, hold onto your socks and hose, here’s further insightful snapshots taken from my life canvas:-
1 – I was educated at the same Gateshead alma mater as ex-England footballers Paul ‘Gazza’ Gascoigne. Similarly to the Bensham lad, as a schoolboy I was party to teacher Mr Hepworth’s stinging opinion of “You’ll never be a professional footballer, son!”…… Wishing to remain gracious, I ruefully concede one correct tutor prediction out of two isn’t too bad.
2 – My estranged wife’s claim to fame is, at school, she’d an English teacher who in the 1970’s met actress Judi Dench. Since hearing this snippet of glory basking, I oft attain 15 minutes in the sun relaying my claim to fame being the missus was taught by an English teacher who in 1970 met Judi Dench!
3 – Due to revelation number 2, return invites to dinner are few and far between.
4 – I’ve a framed 1970 Brazilian football shirt signed by Pele. Despite a authentication certificate to the contrary, as the name Pelly is the moniker marking the yellow top, I suspect it’s a fake. A theory backed further by, unbeknown to him, I spotted my brother writing the signature prior to him presenting it to me as a birthday gift.
5 – I’ve never met Judi Dench….. Or, indeed, Gazza coming to think of it!
6 – A trip to Iceland holds dominion at the pinnacle of my bucket list……
7 – …… That’s the country, not the UK frozen food retail outlet!
8 – The very same bucket list includes aspirations of not only meeting Dame Judi Dench and Gazza, but also my estranged wife’s old English teacher.
9 – Her old English teacher failed to cure my estranged wife’s idiosyncratic tic of adding a ‘d’ to the end of most words ending with ‘n’……. If it was her who taught Karen this bizarre habit, I forthwith rescind my desire to meet with her!
10 – Judi Dench and Gazza have never knowingly added a ‘d’ to locutions with a suffix of ‘n’.
11 – My trademark hirsuteness is so severe I’ve spent many an hour stuck to velcro.
12 – Because of the jeopardy involved, and more importantly I’ve never been asked, I’ve never appeared in the ITV drama Midsomer Murders.
13 – As a kid in the 1970’s, an eccentric fear of having my haircut and fondness of lollipops led to brief hare-brained aspirations of becoming NYC cop Theo Kojak.
14 – A few years back, during really dark times mentally, I considered ending it all by overdosing on marmite. Thankfully, I couldn’t get the lid off the jar and this idiotic suicide notion never came to fruition.
15 – To beat the queues at the local Post Office, I once embarked upon an outer body experience. Sadly, though, this skullduggery was to no avail when I found out stamps and postal orders can only be purchased if in possession of a body…… Preferably your own!
16 – I was educated at the same Gateshead alma mater as globally acclaimed orchestra leader John Wilson. Similarly to the Low Fell lad, as a schoolboy I was party to a music teacher’s stinging opinion of “You’ll never conduct an orchestra at the Royal Albert Hall, son!”…… Wishing to remain gracious, I ruefully concede one correct tutor prediction out of two isn’t too bad.