Gary Strachan – "Write" Said Fred

Off The Wall Essays From Deep Within A Capricious Mind

How Tall?!

Yesterday, during a conversation about height, a buddy of mine enquired “How tall are you, Gary?…. About 5ft 11, or you 5ft 12?” Humoured at this ordinarily intelligent person’s idiosyncratic use of the measurement 5ft 12 instead of 6ft, I felt moved to inform them I was 5ft 11 in the even more ridiculous form of advising “No, I’m 4ft 23!”

Despite us laughing uncontrollably about their inadvertently whimsical query, deeming them a buffoon, I immediately blocked this friend (who for the purposes of anonymity I’ll call Edward G. Robinson) on all forms of social media…… Some may deem this an overreaction on my part; however I provide enough idiocy of my own without additional contributions from my peers!

Seriously, though, after we’d stopped laughing, Edward pleaded “Please don’t mention this in your blog tomorrow, Gary!….. But if you do please don’t saddle me with the alias Edward G. Robinson!)”

“What alias would you prefer?!” I enquired, baffled at the arbitrariness of my chums plea.

“Errrrr….. I’m not sure. How about Carol Vorderman?!” Edward sheepishly replied.

“But you’re a man!!…. Why would you want a female nom de plume?” I sought to clarify through a haze of surreal banter.

“I like Carol Vorderman!….. She’s clever, inspiring and has a magnificent pair of breasts since her boob job a few years back.” Edward, with uncharacteristic misogyny, continued.

“What have you got against me giving you the name of Edward G. Robinson?!” I queried further.

“I’d rather not be named after a dead actor who played gangsters.” Edward responded firmly.

“Well I refuse point blank to give you the alias of Carol Vorderman in essay!” I exclaimed,  disenchanted at becoming embroiled in such an idiotic exchange.

“Ok then, how about Coleen Nolan?” Edward queried, seeking a compromise.

“Absolutely not!” I proffered obdurately.

“Carol McGiffen?” Edward blustered ever more bizarrely.

“Look, I’ve absolutely no intention of naming you after any of the presenters of ITV show ‘Loose Women’!” I affirmed, standing my ground.

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“What about Ruth Langsford?!” Edward continued in his strategy to choose his own alias.

“She’s presents ‘Loose Women’, so NO!!” I ranted irately at my buddy.

“Well Edward G Robinson once presented ‘Loose Women’….. You’ve no real issue with giving me that alias!!” my idiotic chum argued in vain.

“No he didn’t!!….. He died in 1973!….. ‘Loose Women’ didn’t start broadcasting until 1999.”  I smugly blasted his argument out of the water.

“Well I definitely don’t want you to give me the anonymous name of Edward G Robinson in your narratives!!” Edward G Robinson irritatingly continued.

“You can’t stop me…. It’s my blog and I’ll call you what the hell I want in it!” I childishly sniped.

“I sue you!!” my pal lamely threatened.

“You won’t be able to sue me….. I’m not even giving your real name!” I blustered incredulously.

“Yes, but without my express permission you still can’t write about me!! Remember I studied law at uni and am pretty au fait with criminal law edicts.” Edward continued, tenaciously verbally jousting like a dog with a bone.

“That’s bollocks!!…… Anyway, as I’ve said, no one would know it’s about you, I’m flaming hiding your identity!!” I countered, unwiselykeeping the idiotic exchange in motion. Before pointing out “Anyhow, you didn’t study law at uni!!…… In fact, you didn’t even go to uni!!

“Look Gaz, just give me the anonymous name Carol Vorderman in your blog and we can avoid any unpleasant litigation.” Edward pleaded in a calmer fashion.

Desperate to end the banter I replied “Ok, for flips sake. I’ll call you after the ‘Loose Woman’ and former ‘Countdown’ presenter!!…. Can we bring this to a conclusion now?” I conceded.

“Thanks, Gary….. I’d have hated to sue you, pal!!” Edward proffered in conciliatory tones.

Right I’m going to bring this narrative to a conclusion now…… Does anyone know a good solicitor?!

Categories: Blogs, family, fiction, humour, parody

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