Gary Strachan – "Write" Said Fred

Off The Wall Essays From Deep Within A Capricious Mind

Oh, Gino

I commence this essay sitting in the Costa coffee shop within the Next building at The Springs Retail Park, Leeds; a recently built construction which also incorporates a Gino D’Acampo*** restaurant.

**** – Or Gino D’Campingstove as my spouse, with her quirky tic of mispronouncing celebrity surnames, incorrectly calls him….. Gino D’Acampo not to be confused with Gino D’Compo the elderly wellington boot wearing West Yorkshire chef with a penchant for hurtling down Pennine hills in a bath and chasing old ladies in wrinkled stockings!

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From the mezzanine, where I’m perched inelegantly on a cafe chair, I can see the Italian restauranteur’s staff busily servicing Thursday lunchtime customers with a variety of culinary delights whose roots lay in the east Mediterranean.

With yours truly being a maverick intent on pursuing a bohemian lifestyle, controversially I’m connected to Gino’s free guest wifi, as opposed to utilising Costa’s O2 network.

Caring not for the consequences of these nonconformist actions, my daring behaviour an act undertaken as part of my snub to a cruel world. A global environment where, in March 2016, I was marginalised for cheese fondling and utilising the word juxtaposition in the wrong context.

Some would argue that as Gino D’Acampo isn’t one of those with who I bear a grudge why would I gloat about stealing internet access via his guest router. An enquiry I wouldn’t really be able to answer, other than submit that occasionally there’s collateral damage consequential from actions by my newly acquired free spirit.

As a bit of a maverick himself, I’m sure Gino won’t mind me utilising his router even though I’m doing so as a non-customer. That being said, after years of being overly cautious with his actions, GJ Strachan is now prepared to take risks such as using Gino’s wifi while other retailer in situ…… Controversially, he also intends to start eating food after the recommended ‘Best Before’ date, along with donning controversial t-shirts in public bearing the word flaps.

If I want to use D’Acampo’s internet router I gonna f*****g use it! If the Italian chef’s got a problem with my wifi ‘theft’, as far as I’m concerned, he can shove his opinion and network hardware where the sun don’t shine. Although to be fair to him, I suspect neither are physically feasible!

After all, if the Naples-born cook wanted to use my oven to showcase his culinary art, I’d not begrudge him even though I’d be charged for the electricity he used. Consequently, despite being indifferent about his opinion anyhow, it’s be nice if Gino’d no issue with me creating my literary art via a channel for which he’s being charged.

After all, I spend enough flaming money in his eatery at The Springs, along with his franchise on Park Row in Leeds city centre. The restaurant’s food as agreeable as his free guest wifi access, although unsurprisingly more expensive than the internet connectivity.

On the off chance you’re reading this Gino, to prove it’s nothing personal, next time I’m in your eatery at The Springs I’ll use the Costa O2 network and taunt them via essay on my website.

Categories: Blogs, fiction, humour, parody

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