Gary Strachan – "Write" Said Fred

A Whimsical Daily Diary From Deep Within A Random Mind

Vis-a-Viz

One of the groups I follow on social media is Viz Comic. This the Facebook electronic channel of comic that’s been available to buy in newsagents for ages. I could google the exact date it came into publication, but I don’t envisage your that interested so I won’t bother…… If you are, google it yourself, and while you’re on there can you find me the actors name who played the lead in the movie Chestnuts Are A Girl’s Best Friend?!

One of my favourite sections in Viz Comic is the letters page, which the editorial team, writers and readers know as Letterbocks. This section adorned by intentionally idiotic and random reader’s letters, parodying unintentionally idiotic and random letter’s sensible publications receive. An example of which is:-

viz

 

Anyhow, I thought that today, instead of writing a blog in a diary format, I’d test myself to pen a few parody letters of my own in the Letterbocks style seen in Viz. The result of my self-challenge resides below:-

Letterbollocks

Does anyone else agree with me that the BBC need to stop clothing Bargain Hunt contestants in garb from their ‘Lost Property’ department. I’ve never seen such ill fitting tat as the raggy arse fleeces the blue and red teams are forced to wear during these daytime broadcasts….. Come on Auntie Beeb, we know you’re on a tight budget and can’t afford to clothe contestants in stuff by top designers like Gordon McQueen, but it’s time you upped your game and stopped humiliating participants in your shows!    – Jane Plain, Dunblane

Is anyone else relieved that, now he wears ill-fitting false teeth, football stats ninja John Motson has stopped commentating?…… It was bad enough having to listen to pointless trivia, like the time Stoke’s reserve goalie habitually has his Weetabix, when Motty has his own teeth….. I think if Motson was now spouting uninteresting tat, such as 1970’s Everton defender Brian Labone’s favourite Dustin Hoffman movie, through whistling falsies I’d have no option but to change channel.    – Fred Head, Hampstead

Actors in boxing movies, avoid hours in makeup by walking into a rough arse city centre pub at 11pm on a Friday evening and confrontationally ask fellow drinkers “Do you want some?!”    – Keith Thief, Leith

Have you ever noticed our lexilogically inconsistent American cousins know the season autumn as the fall, but when addressing actress Autumn Reeser don’t refer to her as Fall Reese?    – Ed Theball, Stockton

Kids, try conning your mum into giving you another bag of Haribos by convincing her your over the top excitement is the result of an upcoming visit by Aunt Madge from Cardiff, not a consequence of four big bags of Haribos you’ve already eaten.   – Children Catcher, Tunbridge Wells

Welsh people – Don’t fret at the lack of vowels in your place names. Think of the positives, such as how a paucity of the letters a,e,i,o, and u makes it tougher for clever shite wordsmiths to make facile anagrams out of them.   – Eddie Waring, The Other Side

I’ve often heard people advocate ‘Sensible people cut their cloth according to their size’. Being of an inclusive nature, it disgusts me how the adage appears to marginalise those poor individuals whose weight fluctuates like a yo-yo.   – Terence Stampedaddress-Envelope, Ealing

Always judge from a baseline of positivity. Years ago my wife’s uninterpretable fatha gave me the sage-like advice of “Getten the nas as weel”. I’ve no idea what that meant, but I like to think he was inadvertentlyly bequeathing me the advice “You can tell more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation.”   – Bert Lee, Birtley

Am I the only one who finds animated hound Muttley ungrateful? Dick Dastardly may lack generosity of spirit, but he feeds his dog, takes it for walks, and even (I imagine against the express wishes of his insurance policy) lets him occasionally drive his car……. Yet, when his owner is outsmarted by a pigeon, or the driver of the Arkansas Chuggabug, the unappreciative canine constantly laughs at his owners expense….. I’m so annoyed at the message it sends kids, if mine weren’t 25 and 28 years old I’d ban them from watching anything starring Muttley…… Actually, sod it, I’m gonna ban them anyway. Where’s my phone?!   – Peter Perfect, Tipton

 

 

Categories: Blogs, humour, fiction, parody

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