At lunchtime I ventured along the A64 to see my son Jonny and his fiancee Jenny at their new home on the outskirts of York. A journey I embarked on with two Mrs Strachan’s – Junior from east Leeds manor, along with senior of locale Ardsley east.
My son had invited the three of us over for tea, biscuits and to make secret plans (with me) to empty my mum’s bank account. Not a vast sum, however, as he’s recently had the cost of a home move, ever little helps (as they say on the Tesco supermarket commercials).
On arrival we were greeted with smiles and a cup of tea from the affianced. Despite the smile, though, Jonny looked edgy. Fidgeting and breaking wind uncontrollably he reminded me of someone who fidgets and breaks wind uncontrollably.
No doubt the thoughts of fleecing his much loved grandma out of a few bob to cover the cost of his unnecessarily large (80ft) TV not quite sitting right with my ordinarily unassuming son.
After tea and biscuits, he and I wandered off into the garden, with its minimalist shrub design and recently cut lawn. It was here, among the paucity of colour, the discussions started into how to recover moving costs from his hapless gran.
Despite a fruitful brain-storming session, at the conclusion of talks my offspring and me didn’t arrive at a definitive plan to con the old lady. We did, though, narrow it down to three prospective money-making proposals.
Our first idea – Misleading Jonny’s grandma that the freezer she’d promised to buy him and Jenny cost £500 more than the actual purchase price. A cunning and potentially easily achievable cash accumulator. However, with it’s success dependent on my mum being gullible enough to believe a small chest freezer cost £700, the pair of us were hesitant about proceeding with the strategy.
The second proposal – Inspired by his recent witnessing of the movie All The Money In The World, which dramatised the true story of Paul Getty’s kidnap in 1973, my son mooted the hair-brained idea of having me abducted.
An action he’d follow up by demanding his grandma paid a ransom of £5000 for my safe return. Due to real concerns my mum wouldn’t pay up, along with my reticence at maybe losing an ear, we didn’t spend much time debating this option. Consequently, the plan was filed in the ‘Maybe/Unlikely’ pile. A domain where it now sits alongside the proposed freezer cost deception.
Third idea – Floundering for a suitable get rich quick strategy, Jonny then mooted a third proposal to restore his post-house move financial liquidity. This equally ludicrous suggestion being the kidnapping of my brother (his uncle) Ian.
With his uncle being sounder of mind than I, my offspring argued they’d be more chance his grandma would pay the £5000 ransom. In addition to this we also agreed, should we proceeded with this proposal, it’d be prudent to also seek expiation of a dust pan and brush. A requirement for sweeping up the china plates/cups my cack-handed brother would no doubt accidentally break at the crime scene.
I’ve no idea where Jonny plans to hold my brother captive, but if the china plates and cups are anything to go by, it sounded as though it was going to be an ostentatious stay for Ian…….. One he might not wish to be ‘saved’ from!
Right, I must dash I need to find out from my mum whether our Ian is allergic to gaffa tape and rope.
