I’ve not got much planned today. Apart from writing a blog, walking to the GP’s to pick up Karen’s prescription, gardening, cleaning the barbeque, making lunch, changing the entrance password to the home and making some final tweaks to my new watch prototype, there isn’t much on GJS’s ‘To Do’ list.

You may need some clarification into the last two items on that itinerary as they may appear a tad eccentric, or even a lot eccentric or just downright chuffing nuts!!

Well to start with, the penultimate item relates to the robust security access procedures we have introduced at chez Strachan.

If visitors wish to gain entry to our humble abode they have to provide us (the family) with that weeks entrance password; which I change every Wednesday……. Yes, I know today is Thursday but I forgot yesterday!

The password procedure was introduced after the rest of the family refused to embrace my idea of an electronic pass activated door. Following numerous heated family meetings on the subject and referral to the Advisory, Conciliation, Arbitration Service (ACAS) the entrance password process was embraced after I bent.

To be clear, I didn’t fold and compromise on my original strategy. While I was in hospital being straightened, the rest of the family brought in the new access procedure against my wishes!

Although it was implemented against my will, I have to admit the new security format has seen a marked reduction in cold callers to our front (or even back) door. It’s amazing how effective at stopping a salesman in his tracks it is when you confront him with the question “What’s the password?”

In fact at one point it stopped cold callers for about a week. Although, they started again when I removed the chalk written ‘Avoid this house, the idiots have an access password!’ on the tailgate of my car……… Actually, I must remember to get some chalk and re-apply that message.

The password I create always contains at least one lower and upper case letter, a number, and a non-numeric/letter character. For example a while back to gain entrance to chez Strachan, when requested to provide the password, you’d have had to say ‘TzH@!:Zh2’ .

Going overboard?! Perhaps, but no people are going to gain access into my house with a lucky password guess! I’m very strict with the responders answer as well. With the password above I refused access to one visitor as, although they got all but one character right, they got the punctuation digit incorrect.

People think I’m being harsh, but I’m sorry if you don’t know the difference between a colon and semi-colon I’m not letting you into my domicile!

Lax security can allow in unwanted individuals with the most terrible of circumstances. How do you think WWII started?

I’ll tell you!!…… A Polish border guard allowing in 1,000’s of German soldiers, even though they spelt the password ‘Frederick’ when it was in fact ‘Friederich’!…… And the rest, as they say, is history.

Some people think that having password access to your home is anal; but I personally think they are talking out of their arses…….. See what I did there?…… anal…. talking out their arses…… No?!…… Ok I’ll move on!

With regards to the last task on my ‘To Do’ list, unbeknown to anyone I’ve been working on a prototype timepiece that if embraced by the Football League can guarantee that Leeds United will never lose another football match.

Impossible I hear you cry in your overly cynical manner! You can never legislate against a defeat for the team in the all white strip. Well I’ll let you into a secret, this watch can achieve my aims and the thought processes are so simple I can’t believe no one thought of it before.

All that I’ve done is move the time on the watch back two hours. So Leeds will kick off when they’ve no opposition on the pitch so can’t lose!! ….. Unless they select Sol Bamba in defence then all bets are off!

Right, I’m off to re-apply the chalk message ‘Avoid this house, the idiots have an access password!’ on the tailgate of my car……. Not to mention berate myself for the last gag!!

Incidentally, keep it under your hat but this weeks password is ‘Yj@14xY’…… Oh you have no intention of visiting!…… Best put your tongue in a shredder then!