I spoke to an old friend yesterday who, for some reason, felt the need to enlighten me as to the fact he’d been celibate for a while. I’m not sure why he felt the need to mention this as at the time we were talking about the merits of Cuprinol wood stainer over creosote!

In what many would class as ‘too much information’, he complained that all he used his manhood for these days was to pass water and to pick his lottery numbers!

To clarify, when I say he used it to pass water I mean urinate, not that his penis has to calm him down if he got too close to a lake or river!

I have to admit hearing he used it to pick his lottery numbers was a surprise, as I’d never previously heard of anyone using that selection method. I’d heard of a guy who’d won £100 on a scratch card using his member to expose the numbers, after being unable to locate a coin.

The guy may have one a £100, but his good fortune ended there as the police were called by the newsagent where he bought the scratch card and an arrest for indecent exposure followed!

Anyway back to my celibate mate. I don’t think his method of choosing his numbers can be classed as a ‘Lucky Dip’; after all it sounds like that doesn’t happen anymore.

By the sounds of it, his unorthodox method hasn’t proved any luckier at securing the jackpot than other more conventional methods. As a result, on Saturday evenings he can often be heard in the Gents loo of his local pub scolding his hampton with the words “You’ve let me down again you useless b@st@rd!”

When I say scold I mean he berates his John Thomas for its poor number selection. Not that he pours boiling water over it in some masochistic ritual! That would have been spelt scald anyway I believe.

Thankfully, as far as I know, he only utilises his appendage for choosing the lottery numbers in the privacy of his own home. He doesn’t use this strategy for any other gambling method……. Although, saying that he was recently fired from his job as a bingo caller under suspicious circumstances!

With regards to his enforced celibacy, I asked him his short and long term plans to resolve what was clearly troubling him.

It appears he doesn’t have one, though, as he just shrugged and responded “You couldn’t lend me £2 for a scratchcard could you?!”

What is the moral of this off the wall narrative I hear you cry?

Not a lot, other than to highlight the futility of a penis number selection strategy when gambling. I’m not saying don’t do it, just to be aware that statistically your chances of winning aren’t enhanced……. Although, your chances of being arrested will be!

if you aren’t in possession of a male appendage, there is no moral to this foolish tale!….. Although you’re probably not bothered as you stopped reading after the first paragraph!