Thankfully there is no hospital visit for Karen today. It’s probably as well as my capricious nature has decreed that today I’m going be a right misery arse!
My melancholy baffles me, as I can’t fathom out what the trigger was to this lowering of mood. Was it my ritual broken slumber, the dog stealing my breakfast (I’m gonna have to stop eating Pedigree Chum in the morning) or the simple fact that it just doesn’t take much for me to turn?!……….. Or it could be a mixture of all three!
The reason I’m rabbiting on about triggers to low mood is I think it’s important to establish them, so that they can be avoided at all costs in the future. Today troubles me because I have no idea what set this off, so trying to find a process to negate a future re-occurrence is difficult!
Luckily, I do manage to maintain some self control when people upset me. For example I kept my counsel this morning when I wanted to go nuts at somebody. However, with them being nut intolerant I thought it prudent not to! I didn’t want a seizure on my hands, or worse!
I have a heck of a lot of enduring issues that trouble me, although I had them yesterday and didn’t feel as low as this then………. Why are you here dark cloud damn you?!
There is a great deal of uncertainty surrounding my future in many aspects in my life, which are never far from the surface. As a good friend once said “The sword of Damocles is dangling menacingly over you; so hurry up and get my bloody pint in before it drops. I’m clamming!….. Oh and will you get me some pork scratchings?” …….. I got him the pint but he could whistle for the pork scratchings, the cheeky get!
The reason I started blogging, learning the piano and growing a beard was to distract me from these troubling issues. I’m not in a position to elaborate on some of the things that weigh heavy. What I can say though is that having an outlet/escape from them is essential!
Some problems have solutions. Joshua brought down the walls of Jericho with trumpet playing, marching and shouting from the Israelites. The Greeks gained access to Troy with a wooden horse; and late rugby commentator Eddie Waring got himself a new trilby, after an eagle stole his hat during a Featherstone v Hunslet match in 1968!
The walls tumbling at Jericho and Eddie Waring at Featherstone shortly before an eagle stole his trilby!
Unfortunately, some conundrums don’t have a solution or happy ending on the horizon! In that situation it’s a case of dealing with the circumstances as a best case scenario, which is what Karen and I endeavour to achieve. However, on occasion this journey is wearing. We just have to hope the destination is a great distance off.
If only it was as easy driving at 10 mph in first gear to elongate the ride, driving in he wrong direction or panning it out with several service station breaks. However, that would mean our unwelcome house guest giving us a modicum of control over the situation. He’s not going to give us that now is he!!
Admittedly, medication is giving unexpected longevity but the uncertainty really does grind you down at times!
As I write this I’m looking out at Karen planting bulbs for next spring. She is wrapped up in her anorak against the autumnal chill of the easterly breeze. She is knelt on a mat hunched over digging in tulips, brought from Amsterdam by our daughter. Her padded coat and hunched posture gives her an even more diminutive, vulnerable, almost childlike, appearance.
One of the ways I know my mood has dipped is that instead of thinking of the positives, like how beautiful the Dutch flowers will look come springtime, I think of the scenario that she might not be here to see the fruits of her labour. Not a great way to channel your thoughts admittedly but unfortunately, on occasion, they are all part of this trip.
I hate writing blogs like this, compared to the part fictional and light hearted ramblings I normally pen. These darker blogs don’t give me the lift I receive from creating the others. However, today I felt the need to get things off my chest!
Anyway, I’m going to stop bleating now! Apologies for putting you through my self indulgent narrative full of shameful self pity! I promise not to repeat this EVER in a blog again!
Perhaps I need to adopt this approach!