Life In The Fast Lane

In middle-age I’m much more of a dissenter than during my younger adult years. Subsequently, these days I often cock a snook at the world; deeds pushing existential boundaries, which are undertaken with the aim of shaking the Establishment to its core… Exploits such as referring to carpet vacuuming as hoovering, despite my cleaner of choice being a Dyson.

Before I proceed, I’ll give you a moment to prise your jaw from your table/desk.

Anyhow, yesterday, my ever burgeoning list of daring doo exploits was augmented further when, despite the risk of scalding, onion tears and parsnip rash, yours truly cooked two batches of homemade vegetable soup.

Incidentally, a warning for those who similarly wish to up their rebellion levels, the role of dissenter pays poorly, but the hours are good and there’s a subsidised crèche. With my two kids being in their 30’s, I’ve no requirement for the creche’s services; however, it’s nice to know it’s there if needed.


Without wanting to blow my own trumpet (which would be an adrenaline boost too far), the two different vegetable soups were highly flavoursome. If you want to attempt the recipes for this wholesome comfort food, they’re included in my soon to be published cookbook ‘Two Soups & A Pot Noodle’.

This tome, which will be in the shops for Christmas, along with my new fitness DVD ‘Yes, I Really Do Exercise!’, is my culinary bible. A literary legacy exhibiting my versatility with pan and skillet; showing readers a healthy diet needn’t taste bland… Although it might be an idea to keep plenty of seasoning handy when served.

Additionally, the nutritional value of the Pot Noodle, which I consume religiously on a Monday and Wednesday every week, will most likely raise eyebrows at the Institute of Dieticians.

Incidentally, when I say ‘religiously eat a Pot Noodle on a Monday and a Friday’ I’m referring to the act being a habitual quirk of mine. Not that I dressed as a vicar prior to consuming the sometimes maligned convenience food… I’ve not tested this theory, however, I suspect the dried noodle cuisine will taste the same irrespective of the chef’s attire.

Some may baulk at the hardback book’s £14.99 price tag, which fundamentally only provides instructions for creating two broths. Not to mention forking out for Pot Noodle instructions which are already present on the pot’s outside.

Despite this, if you are interested it’ll be in all good book shops and a selection of crap ones from 8th November……. Average book shops won’t be stocking my hardback, claiming the content may offend vegetable protectionists and anyone named Grenville.

Hopefully this culinary guidance tome will be a commercial success; not sink without a trace like my last cookbook ‘If Nigella Can F***ing Do It, So Can I!”

Some say it failed due to poor editing and quibbles with the publisher over marketing strategy.  Others, though, reckon writing a book showing 50 ways to make cheese sandwiches was always going to be a risk from a book sales perspective.

That being said, that first book’s lack of success has taught me a valuable lesson. Consequently, I’ve avoided any mention of cheese sandwich preparation in ‘Two Soups & A Pot Noodle’

Anyway, us adrenalin junkies can’t sit all-day writing, Homes Under The Hammer has just started on TV……. Time for today’s epinephrine hit!

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