Cry Wolf

Yesterday, as I idly whiled away a few stolen minutes in a local store, I overheard a gloriously misquoting adage by the guy ahead of me in the checkout queue. This memorable soundbite an exclamation to his partner of “I’m sweating like a pig with a big mortgage!”

Upon hearing this misquoting of a well-known adage, I allowed myself a wry smile.

Consequential of his gaff, a scene of a pig sweating while scanning a mortgage statement advising of delinquent payments played out in my capricious mind….. Notions manifesting of the porker’s perspiration augmented through fear of losing his much loved abode…… Not that I find homelessness funny I’d hasten to add!

Without wishing to appear patronising, I believe the correct version of the idiom frequently embraced by Blighty’s discerning populous is “I’m sweating like a pig.”

This observation chirped during times of excessive perspiration – A natural bodily reaction aimed at mitigating against one’s overheating body….. A saying that does what it says on the tin – Or more accurately a reddening sweat covered face of its orator.

The hog ruing overstretching financially to acquire the house of bricks and mortar. A misguided strategy aimed at providing extra protection from the big bad wolf.

Sure, he’ll endeavour to console himself that the straw and wooden houses were far more affordable options at the time of purchase. However, the sub-standard security afforded against large wild canines renders them unfit for purpose; negating any upside from the properties lower cost.

The bricks and mortar literally keeping the wolf from the pig’s door (well wrong side of it anyhow); sadly, though, not the metaphorical version of the saying. After all, the place is bleeding the poor porker financially dry.

“I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow your house down……. Blimey, you’re sweating like a pig with a mortgage, mate!!”

I’ve written on a few occasions about my love of mixed idioms and metaphors. Smoking Like A Fish, Devil in Carnation and “You Catch More Honey With Flies!” examples of yours truly’s literary offerings exhibiting fondness of such adage butchery.

Admittedly, “I’m sweating like a pig with a big mortgage!” isn’t a mixed idiom – Moreover an initially correct phrase whose incorrect suffix renders it erroneous……. It has to be said, though, the misquoted addendum does provide a similarly whimsical gift as jumbled metaphors.

Yesterday’s overheard oratory gaffe made me ponder how other such adages could be addended, affording them a similar lighter hearted spin. Examples of these resultant epiphanies highlighted below:-

“A rolling stone gathers no moss; but can father a child in their 70’s.”

“A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush; or three for a girl and four for a boy.”

“Many hands make light work. One finger makes a light switch work.”

“Necessity is the mother of invention; Mavis Troutbeck, 43 Acasta Drive, Burnley is its grandmother.”

“Easier said than done. Unless the word is Llanfair­pwllgwyngyll­gogery­chwyrn­drobwll­llan­tysilio­gogo­goch.

“First come, first served. Three for a girl and four for a boy.”

“Early to bed, early to rise. Three for a girl and four for a boy.”

With GJ Strachan creatively spent at this juncture of the narrative, I’d posit he’s now two choices with the remaining prose:-

1) He needs to move away from the adages/proverbs, or 2) Conclude all further adages with ‘Three for a girl and four for a boy.’………. Ok, ok, I’ll move away from the adages/proverbs…… No need to flaming shout!

To close, I wanted to convey a joke my son Jonny text me today about an interaction he’d had with Siri on his phone:-

Jonny (via text) – “Dad, I’ve just said to Siri that surely it won’t rain tonight when we’ve a cricket match to attend. She responded that it wasn’t forecast and to stop calling her Shirley…..… I hadn’t realised my phone was is Airplane mode!”

Boom! Boom!……. Where’s he get it from?!

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