I awoke on this third day of 2022 to see the Amazon Alexa speaker located on my bedside cabinet flashing green. To clarify, having a virtual assistant that offered dollar bills would be a great technological feature, however quite clearly the flashing green of which I write wasn’t an act of such benevolence. No, I of course refer to an illuminated hoop appearing when the affably voiced app alerts you to a notification.
As this is one of the rare days I’m not awaiting a delivery from Jeff Bezos’ ubiquitous company, I was at a loss as to the bulletin Alexa wished to share with yours truly. I pondered whether it was possible she wanted to admonish me for snoring cacophonously overnight…… Or perhaps she wished to berate me for sleeping in lederhosen…… Or maybe the intervention was a response to a random exclamation of “Alexa…. Flash green at 8am tomorrow morning until I tell you otherwise!” in my sleep.
Anyhow, it wasn’t long after prising my eyes open that curiosity got the better of me and I wearily requested “Alexa…. Play notifications!”
I wasn’t waiting with baited breath long before the riddle was solved. Almost immediately the courteous virtual assistant proffered the catechism “Five months ago you purchased 500g of diced beef from Morrisons. In a score between 1-5, how would you rate the product?”
“Blimey!” I thought on receipt of such an important question.
Concluding I couldn’t just dismiss this without response, yours truly strove manfully to recollect the quality of the stew produced from the aforementioned meat product. After all, a non or incorrect answer may mislead the consumer; not affording this Morrison ingredient it’s rightful place when compared to product peers.
With cubed beef being a frequently utilised ingredient in the Strachan kitchen, being confronted by this inquiry five months after the fact meant recalling the meats merit was about as easy as getting the seven dwarfs a slot in the Harlem Globetrotters basketball team.
Footnote – Incidentally, as I’ve never endeavoured to secure a place in the Harlem Globetrotters for the seven dwarfs I don’t conclusively know how difficult a task that would actually play out. However, as the game is stacked heavily in the favour of those from a lanky end of the height spectrum, I’d guess getting Doc, Dopey, Sleepy, Sneezy, Happy, Bashful and Grumpy the gig would be a challenge…… If it turns out you are remarkably skilled in possession of a basketball I apologise unreservedly guys.
Anyhow, enough of my assumptions relating to the Snow White’s buddies skills with ball and hoop….. Back to my conundrum of how to respond to Alexa’s food product inquiry.
Me taking such a long time to recall the item to answer accurately led to thoughts that any minute the virtual know-all may shortly admonish me with a request to “Chuffing hurry up, I haven’t got all day, Strachan!”….. Or aternatively subject me to a soundscape of impatiently tapping her watch via the speaker she ‘inhabits’.
This self-induced pressure leading me to hurriedly inform Alexa “Oh, I don’t know….. Errrr….. give it 4!”
Mercifully, instead of a curmudgeonly response of “About f***ing time!”, Alexa cheerily thanked me and re-assured GJ Strachan his answer would help other customers in their future product choices.
However, upon hearing this misguided gratitude it wasn’t hard to conclude my opinion wouldn’t accurately guide consumers. After all, it was five months ago since I ate the product. That fact, along with my ability for remembering meals consumed 20 months ago standing unsurprisingly low, the questionnaire mark was hurriedly clutched from thin air.
Sure, Morrison’s meat is generally pretty decent fare. However, I cannot with any certainty confirm the meat quality warranted such a high mark. Consequently, if it turns out you’re disappointed with any cubed Morrisons beef purchased after guidance from customer reviews, I apologise for my minuscule part in misleading you.
Oh, and Alexa don’t leave it so bloody long next time with your questionnaire intrusions. You’ve more chance of getting an accurate answer if you inquire on the day I use the item….. And don’t give me “How am I supposed to know immediately after you’ve used an Amazon bought product?” malarky….. You seem to know every flaming other thing about me!!!