Put The Telly On, Gazza

Walking Coco along the village’s Main Street yesterday morning, yours truly witnessed a parked car outside of the local school which, from the way it’d mounted the pavement, I assumed was pulled over by a parent who was up against time.

As my lab/retriever sniffed inquisitively at an adjacent garden wall, seeing this vehicle, with one wheel on the pavement, evoked memories of the taxi hastily dumped in a white zone at the start of 1980’s movie Airplane.

In that particular scene the jilted taxi driver, parking one quarter of his cabs wheels on the kerb outside the Departure terminal. Prior to dashing inside to persuade his estranged air hostess partner not to give up on him. Her irk borne from no longer tolerating his post-Vietnam PTSD, consequently driving a stake between the pair.

As alluded to above, I suspect the car parking tardiness on the periphery of our village school was resultant from a parent/guardian running late for dropping off their young charge(s).

Unlike the taxi dumped in the airport white zone in the parody movie, the vehicles doors weren’t left wide open, which I took as a sign the source of this slapdash car halting wasn’t a jilted amour. His carefree dumping of motor resulting from a hasty dash into school to plead a second chance from his disenchanted beau.

If it did turned out to be the latter, I’d suggest reckless driving manoeuvres outside of a primary school isn’t behaviour that’ll earn a way back into a teacher’s heart……. Vietnam veteran induced PTSD or not.

As we passed the vehicle, I asked Coco what she thought about the tardy parking partly blocking our path. However, she was too busy sniffing East Ardsley garden wall aromas to offer any thoughts on the matter.

In the absence of a response from my lab/retriever, GJ Strachan responded on her behalf in a voice I used to use while mimicking my estranged wife’s strong north east accent. In Johnny Morrisesque style, responding to myself with “I divan kna’, Gazzas….. Noo leave us alarn to sniff dog pee.

Footnote – As Coco is a Lancashire lass who bears few, if any, behavioural traits of my estranged wife Karen, I’ve no idea why I chose that voice/accent for the adorable lab, but I’m sure old Cokey won’t mind……. I’m not sure about Karen, mind you.

During lockdown, I’ve found firing up conversations with myself, pretending Coco responds to my chatter provides great catharsis. With no other human to engage in a face to face chat, these silly interactions have certainly augmented the day’s verve. An example of one of Coco and my ‘conversations’ is played out below:-

Me “Should we put the telly on, Cokes?”

Coco (in my estranged wife’s accent)“Ye can de, Gazzas.”

Me “OK…… What do you fancy watching?”

Coco “I like watching the show ‘Dogs Are Great'”

Me“What channels that on?’

Coco “I dont kna. I’m a dog, you idiot, I canna work the remote!….. My mutha puts it on for us!”

Me “Well I’ve never heard of it!”

Coco“Just flick thru the TV guide…. Your boond ta find it.”

Me“There’s no way I’m wading through 200+ channels to find a show I’m not arsed about watching.”

Coco“You’re supposed to be dog sitting me….. Just de it, ye idle sod!”

Me “After that response. I’m gonna put something I wanna watch on Netflix.”

Coco“I’ll bite ye!”

Me“If you do I’ll stop feeding you!”

Coco“You’re really are a buffoon, Gazzas!”

Me“You wouldn’t say that if I wasn’t!”


Me “I might be a buffoon, but at least I can open a can of tuna!”

Coco“I divvant like tinned tuna!”

Me“Ok, well at least I can whistle the Bulgarian national anthem…….You can’t even whistle.”

Coco“I’ve no desire to be able to whistle. Having that skillset widdant enhance wor life in any shape or form!”

Me “Look, if I put ‘Dogs Are Great’ on the telly, will you promise to stop being such a clever s***e?”

Coco“Yeah…… And when ye’ve dun that make us me lunch. I’m bloody famished here!!”

Me (while scooping tinned tuna into a dog bowl) – “I’m on it!”

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